Happy Civic Holiday, George Bailey!

I hope the Civic Holiday Gnome left some civics in your panties this morning, buster.

I only have one feature gig on the horizon this month. But that’s fine, because it’s going to be…

OOOOUUUTTTTTT – RAAAAAAAAAAY – GEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s how you’re supposed to say it.

Yes, I’m featuring in the infamous Outrageous poetry and music series at the Central in three weeks.
My dear old friend Cynthia Gould, of Some Words Spoken and High Heels Lo Fi fame, is another feature. The show also has Joseph Ianni, Londzo and Open Market, with an open mic, hosted by Elizabeth Burns.

You should go, damn you.

Based on my past attendance at this series, I gather that this is the one show where I get to do all my “offensive” material. The reason I am putting “offensive” in quotation marks is that I don’t really think I’m all that offensive – at least, not in comparison to past acts I’ve seen at Outrageous and some of the stuff we’re seeing on prime-time TV these days – but numerous slam poets and activists I’ve crossed swords with would highly disagree with me.

So I suppose that my Outrageous set should come equipped with a Trigger Warning. So:
Trigger Warning: My feature set at Outrageous will upset you if you do not have a sense of humour.

See you there. Have mercy on the boy.

Happy Canada Day, Moose-Gutting Doug. Molson me an Anne Murray Mountie, willyas?

Happy Canada Day.

I thought of writing silly stuff about Canada Day, but the post I did for last year’s was so silly and wonky that there’s no way I can top it. Don’t believe me? Here it is.

Do you like poetry? Do you like comedy?
Then chances are, you’re going to like Cometry Poedy. That’s the poetry-comedy show I’m headlining at the Central (upstairs) next week. You’ll also get to hear sets by Shirley Whalen, Jerms Rebell, Dagmar Morgan, Cheyenne Alvis, Joshua Elijah, Blakc Zeus, Elizabeth Burns and Todd Owen Daniel Downey. Click here for the Facebook event page.

That’s all I got this month in terms of spoken-word gigs.

Journalism-wise, though, I’m still busy these days. Here’s a link to my recent OHS Canada article about how workplace fatalities in British Columbia tend to get off the hook in terms of criminal charges, especially when it comes to exploding sawmills. On Toronto.com, I’ve got new pieces about local dog parks and splash pads. And click here for a couple of new Digital Journal stories.

Now, go and celebrate Canada Day.
I recommend you start off with a few songs:

June is the Junest month, breeding / Beaches full of redheads tanned…

It’s June, and it’s my first post since the end of February.
Not only that, but it’s a Sunday afternoon in June. There’s a song in Anne of Green Gables: The Musical that declares that ice cream is wonderful on a Sunday afternoon in June. (Also, do take note that even the most respectable have been known to eat ice cream.) Therefore, I command you to eat ice cream. Right now. As I’m writing this, pipsqueak. Now.

#amitoocanadianforyou

What have I been doing over the past three months? Well, I did a couple of cool features in the States back in April – one in the Village in New York City, the other in Amityville on Long Island. Yes, that Amityville. With the scary house and stuff.
I’ve also continued writing articles and reviews for Toronto.com and Digital Journal. Click on the links in this sentence if you want to find out where to pick berries in the Toronto area, or what I really thought of Robyn Doolittle’s Rob Ford book, or of the book about the making of The Room, or of the movie The Grand Seduction, or of Judith Thompson’s recent solo show.

Or don’t, if you don’t want to. Nobody’s forcing you.

You can also read my recent article about the Lac-Mégantic disaster last year, “Off the Rails”, which was published in March. I interviewed Olivia Chow for it, among other people.

But now it’s June, and that’s all in the past, so let’s focus on what June has in store. And it has stuff in store indeed, it sure does.

First up – next Sunday (another Sunday afternoon in June), I’m embarking to the distant, exotic land known as… Oakville.

That’s right. Oakville has a literary series. Actually, it has more than one, but the one I’m talking about is the Oakville Literary Cafe, in which I’m featuring with fellow Toronto veteran Norm Cristofoli, plus a special featurette by Shelly Sanders and an open mic. Here’s a PDF flyer for the show you can download.

The following Sunday (yet another Sunday afternoon in June), I’m returning to Plasticine Poetry Series at Pauper’s Pub. It’s my fifth Plasticine feature, but it’s also only the second time I’ll have been to the series in the past two years or so, as I’ve been trying to avoid some silly drama. Kate Marshall Flaherty, Jim Johnstone, Sonja Greckol and Marni van Dyk are the other features, and David Bateman hosts. I believe it’s also the last one that Michael Fraser is organizing, before handing the series’ reins to other folks.

And then, on June 24 (a Tuesday, which has nothing to do with Anne of Green Gables as far as I know), I’ll be appearing once again on the CIUT spoken-word radio program HOWL, hosted by Nik Beat. You can listen in online at this link: the show’s on at 10:00 p.m. EST, which is 7:00 p.m. PST or 3:00 a.m. the next morning in England.
Trigger Warning: I’m considering performing “How to Become a Deranged Leftist Reactionary”, a piece I wrote specifically to piss off the slam folks.

That’s all for now. Now get outside and enjoy the lovely day.

What’s the story, Morning Glory? What’s the tale, Cardin… ale?

Hey bud. C’mere.

Wanna hear a story? Do ya?

Well, I’ve got a couple of beauties for ya. I can even show ya where to get more.

Because it’s almost March, and I’ve got a couple of storytelling gigs this month. Seems my spoken-word features aren’t exactly drawing the masses these days, so I’m settling for the glamorous, millionaire-making world of storytelling. Maybe I’ll get discovered by some legendary raconteur and thrust into the celebrity spotlight. Only to die two years later from a freak overdose, later to be discovered lying on the bathroom floor with a magic marker stuck in my left nostril. It happens only to the best.

Ga.

First up, I’m doing Storytelling at Caplansky’s yet again. Only this time, it’s a special Storytelling at Caplansky’s. It’s so special that you should be willing to miss the Academy Awards for it. It’s the third-anniversary show, with K. Trevor Wilson, Zebulon Pike and a few other folks. I’ll be regaling the audience with memories of a horrible landlord to whom I like to refer as Canadian Archie Bunker. Stories and smoked meat, punks.

Then, later on, I shall make my debut in the long-ish-running “Tales Of…” series. It’s a popular series that’s found a new home in a snazzy west-end venue with a comedy-club vibe (the brick wall at the back of the stage helps). This month’s edition is Tales of Revenge, and I’m going to tell how I got the bouncer from the old Joker nightclub fired. Don’t worry, the asshat deserved it.

If you’d rather watch the Oscars than go to Caplansky’s on Sunday, well… fine. Just fine, then. But at least promise me you’ll do it based on one of my suggestions – in my latest Toronto.com article, “Where to Watch the Oscars in Toronto”.

See? That way, I still have power over you.

I also reviewed Canadian Stage’s production of Nina Raine’s Tribes, for Digital Journal. It’s still running until this Sunday, so hurry up and read it here.

Happy March. Say hi to the lion.

The Groundhog Has Landed

Has it really been more than four months since I updated this silly thing? Have you been enjoying a third of a year whooshing by without any annoying event plugs from me?

Well. No more. I got stuff coming up. The drought is over.

First off, I’m featuring in Looseleaf Poets in Etobicoke later this month. Hosted by the kind and beautiful Jan McIntyre, the show will also feature Howard Isenberg, Claudio Gaudio and Lisa Richter, along with the standard open mic.

Yes, Etobicoke. Rob Ford country.
I’d make a joke about it here, but I have a feeling any joke would have already been done, and more successfully.

(Crack. Ha ha.)

In March, I’ve got a couple of storytelling gigs. But this is a February post, so you shall not be hearing about those here. You greedy fool, you.

Although I haven’t had any gigs in four months, it’s not like I haven’t been doing anything. I got sick (twice), got the flu shot a month too late, had a death in the family and sang some goddamn karaoke. But I also wrote a few more Digital Journal reviews and Op-Eds, and you can click here to read them. I also wrote a few more pieces for Toronto.com, about tobogganing and ice skating. (I also wrote one about stuff to do over the holidays… but they took it down after the holidays were over. Shame you missed it. It referenced David Cronenberg and Evil Dead. Gotta be quicker next time, Sir Slowfindsalot.)

Happy Beatles Day. See you on the other side of the walrus.

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