Remember a few weeks ago, when I said that I did a video shoot for BeSpokeCity for my old warhorse “He Reads Michael Ondaatje”? Here it be, sucka.

And if you go to the actual YouTube page, you may see links to several much-less-professional-looking videos of me reading or performing “Review of This Piece”, “Party Like Juan” and a relatively new bit, “A Love Letter”, which I’m currently in the process of memorizing.

So… this is your chance to post comments on my videos like, “omg lol thiss guy sux!!!!!!! haha lolol”

Next Friday, the 11th, I’m going to be performing at Jammin’ on the One, in another comedy sketch from Rabbit Hole Sketch Company, “Arthur and Martha Have Visitors”, written and directed by Charlene Winger. Also appearing in the scene will be my friends Terry Kan, Magdalena BB, Charlene, Richard Allen and Arden Church. I think there’s another featured performer or two, and it’s all followed by an open improv jam for everyone.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “But Jeff… you’re acting? Again? Surely you learned your lesson from Grouch on a Couch? That you’re not a real actor? Come on. Jest not with me, O foolish man who dost not know thyself.”
Yes, I did learn my lesson from Grouch. Actually, I learned a lot of lessons from doing that show, many of which I wish I could unlearn, and most of which are reasons why you should buy my chapbook of the show’s script and earn me back some of the money and dignity that I lost. But I digress. I’m doing this sketch, and it’s mainly for fun. Come see it and maybe you’ll have fun too.

And now, ladies and gentlemen… Conway Twitty.

(You know you’re losing your touch when you start stealing your jokes from The Dog & Baby Show. I mean, Family Guy.)

Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Not so much has happened since February. Oh, I went to Italy for a week. Italy is nice. I ate a lot of gelato and pizza and pasta. As you do. While in Pisa, I got new ideas for two spoken-word monologues, which I’ve already drafted. I don’t know if they’re any good. We’ll see when I test them out.

My new Coffeehouse.ca site is going to be up soon. When it’s ready, you’ll be able to find it on the Coffeehouse link on the links page. You can find it. You’re a big boy. Or girl.

I just shot a video for BeSpokeCity of my old piece “He Reads Michael Ondaatje”. I’ll embed it on this site when it’s ready and public. And although it’s been more than a year, we’re hoping to get that video of Grouch on a Couch online soon. Wheels are turnin’.

The only gig I have this month is yet another appearance at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, next Sunday. I don’t know what stories I’m going to tell yet. Maybe it will be the thrilling yarn of the writing of this blog entry.

That’s all for now. Go slap a monkey.

Whan that Aprille, with hise shoures soote… is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

Related posts:

1. Gonna pop a cap into your lansky. Whew – it’s been a long time since I’ve posted...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I suggest you celebrate by reading Great Expectations, one of the best damn novels ever written. David Copperfield is also really good, as is the first half of Oliver Twist. But if you’re one of those people who refuse to read Dickens because your Grade 11 teacher forced you to read A Tale of Two Cities in less than a week, or because you think anything written before Hemingway is “like, OMG, like, totally lame-o and gay, dood”, then I would suggest you read John Irving’s brilliant 1986 essay, “The King of the Novel” – a passionate, heartfelt defense not only of Dickens but of any writer who has ever had anything worth saying about society and human nature. It’s in Irving’s short-story collection, Trying to Save Piggy Sneed. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Or, if you just don’t like reading, then watch David Lean’s movie adaptations from the 1940s. Drink a shot whenever you see antisemitism.

I’ll do my part for Dickens’ birthday on February 19, when I feature once again at Storytelling at Caplansky’s. By request of the host, Marilla Wex (who designed this website, and may even be reading this right now – Hi, Marilla! *waves*), I’ll memorize my infamous Dickens parody, “Little Nell”, and perform it there. Warning: It contains graphic violence, long book titles and a spectacularly inept cockney accent.

But why am I going on about Dickens? This website isn’t about him. It’s about me, me, me!

Three nights before Caplansky’s, I’m performing at Launchpad Comedy, a night of yuks hosted by my friend Magdelena. I’ll be the sole comical poet surrounded by a roomful of legit comedians. Wish me luck.

But the big show is on the afternoon of Sunday, February 26.

That’s when my Second City writing class presents Of Vice and Men, a one-hour, Second City-style revue on the Mainstage, featuring real, semi-professional actors performing our words. (We’ll be in the show too, briefly, in the opening sketch.) I’ve contributed scenes lampooning kindergarten classes and old-timey movie producers.

Here’s the Facebook event page. If you can’t make the 26th, though, there are also small “work in progress” presentations you can see on the 12th and 19th. (There was one yesterday, too, but you can only catch that one with a Tardis or a DeLorean.)

Info on all of the above events on the right sidebar.

What a world of gammon and spinach it is, though, ain’t it?

Happy birthday, Charlie Dickens is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I’m gonna keep this one short, because I’ve got other stuff to do.

So if you’re one of those people who doesn’t like these blog posts but reads them anyway, this one will save you a little suffering. If you love these blog posts, well, tough.

This Thursday the 12th, I’m featuring at “The Beautiful and the Damned”, a monthly poetry and music series run by everybody’s favourite She Bytch, Carolina Smart. Also featuring is the hilarious local poet David Clink, and the musical feature will be either Arlene Paculan or Charnie Guettel. Hosting is Rex Baunsit.

Wanna see the poster, which misspells my name?

Wanna see the other one?

I hope you enjoy this night of poetry and. If you want to RSVP on the Facebook page, here it is.

I’m also having another one of my comedy scenes read aloud at the John Candy Box Theatre this month. It’s supposed to be on the 25th… but they may change it. It may be the 18th. I can’t tell you yet. Check the right sidebar for any updates. (Why should I have to do everything, huh? Huh?)

And now, for reasons only known to myself, I shall poke your tum-tum.

Only 100 years until the Temples of Syrinx are torn down. is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Didn’t know I could MC, could ya? Yo.

Before I get into the events, though… I’ve been making little appearances on the ol’ Interwebs.

Like, remember back in October, when I did that reading via Skype, broadcast live to an audience in Sheffield, England from the comfort of my own modest little East York apartment? Well, the other end got posted on YouTube:

Unfortunately, and true to Skype, the screen was frozen half the time. So they saw me caught in suspended animation with a goofy expression on my face. But they could hear. So can you.

And I obviously didn’t make a total fool of myself, because I later got a complimentary mention in this blog review of the show by Rob Hindle.

Did you manage to get out to my chapbook launch last Sunday? No? Well, never fear. All is not lost. Because you can still see it – and read about it – courtesy of this nice little ol’ writeup about the show by Jason Darrick, on Dreadful Tales. The article features a video of me performing a scene from my one-man show, Grouch on a Couch:

Speaking of Grouch on video… I do have a video of one of the performances. (It was the least-attended one, and it had some stupid technical glitches, but that’s better than nothing.) One of these days, it’s gonna get posted online, and then, if you never got to see it live, you can finally see it in the comfort of your own home. Huzzah.

* * * * *

Okay. Now to the events.

Remember in my last post, when I said I was doing another sketch reading at the Second City Training Centre on November 30, and then it got bumped to December 7? Well… this Wednesday is December 7.
So if you come to the John Candy Box Theatre on Wednesday night, you can hear my comedy scene “The Interpreter” read aloud by actors. Like, real actors. Not a goddamn phony like me. Do come out and laugh heartily, my friends.

On the 11th, I’m making my fourth – yes, fourth – feature appearance this year at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, hosted by the creator of this website wot you are reading now, Marilla Wex. Rumour has it that I’ll be revealing the story behind the inspiration behind my old piece, “He Reads Michael Ondaatje”. Or maybe not. I haven’t really decided yet. Go and see for yourself.

And then, on the 15th, catch me at the fifth annual Hot-Sauced Words Anti-Pageant Show, along with Kirsten Sandwich, Nicki Ward, Sue Reynolds, Tuesday’s Children and Kate Marshall Flaherty. Plus an extended open mic.

More details on the right sidebar. But you knew that.

Happy New Year. It may be the last. If the Mayan prophecy is wrong, we have only a hundred years to go before the Rush one.

Remember, remember, my gigs in December. is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

Related posts:

1. Excuse me while I kiss the Skype. I swear, my posts on this site are not becoming...
2. Burn, effigy, burn. Effigy inferno. I’ve got a dead horse to beat. Sure, there must...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Sure, there must be dozens of practical uses for dead horses. You can boil them into glue, you can cook them into horse meat, you can radish them into horseradish. You can scatter them all over a field and film them for a post-battlefield scene in that big American Civil War movie you’re directing. And so on. Yet so many of us keep insisting on beating dead horses anyway. Which, I suppose, is much better than beating live horses.

So, like I said, I’ve got a dead horse to beat. This horse is called Grouch on a Couch. Remember? That Fringe show I did, the one that you probably didn’t go see? Well, you may have heard, it’s now a chapbook.

I launched the book unofficially at the Word On The Street book fair back in September. Two months later, it’s going to get an official launch party at our old friend, the Black Swan – along with two new horror-fiction chapbooks from Burning Effigy Press: Black-Eyed Kids, the latest installment of the Felix Renn/Black Lands stories, by Ian Rogers; and Vanishing Hope by Tobin Elliott.

November 27. Black Swan. More deets on the right sidebar.
And please visit Burning Effigy’s website for more info on its publications.

[EDIT: The Second City class reading was moved to December 7. So I'll be mentioning it in the December post instead. Got a problem widdat? Huh? Good.]

Happy Boxing Day. Go punch somebody in the nose or something.

(No horses were killed in the writing of this entry. Unless you count Maisie, but she had it coming.)

Burn, effigy, burn. Effigy inferno. is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I intend to do this only monthly, if even that, but sometimes, things just pop up at the last fortnight. And I feel obligated to inform all those wonderful people out there in the dark when things come up.

Assuming there are wonderful people out there in the dark reading this website. Hello? Helloooo… I can’t tell, because it’s dark out there.

So what’s woken me up and shaken me out of the inactivity mattress this time? (Other than inspirations for crappy metaphors?)

Well: This Saturday, the 29th, I’m going to give a brief reading all the way over in Sheffield, England.

And I’m going to do it without leaving Canada. In fact – I’m going to do it without leaving the comfort of my bedroom desk chair.

“But Jeff,” you say, disbelieving, slapping your hand dramatically on the side of your face with a puzzled, skeptical expression, “how is that possible? Why, the laws of physics don’t account for such nonsense and foofooraw! How dare you attempt to manipulate my trust in you with such a grand and absurd falsity. Explain yourself at once, good sir, or I shall be forced to roll my eyes in your direction and say unflattering things about you to the vicious circle.”

And I say: Via Skype.

Yes, Skype. Remember on The Jetsons, in 2001: A Space Odyssey, even on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, how people talked on video-phones, on which they could see each other’s faces on a screen? Skype is sorta like that. Except that it happens over the Internet. We’re in the future now, space clown.

So if you know anybody in the vicinity of Sheffield, you tell ‘em to go to Showroom 5 this Saturday night (afternoon for me) to see Skype Me! Sheffield and the World, featuring poets both local (live in person) and from elsewhere (broadcast live via Skype).

Such writers will include Thom the World Poet (Texas), Liesl Jobson and Tanya Chan-Sam (South Africa), Miwa Kurihara (Japan), an International Mystery Guest, and more from Spain, India, Singapore and elsewhere. U.K. scribes present at the actual event will include Rob Hindle, Chella Quint, Gaby Bila-Günther, Kenneth Penfold, Joe Kriss and Liz Cashdan.

And for those who won’t be in Sheffield that night (I’m guessing, about six billion of you), the show will probably be posted on YouTube at some point in the future. Rock on, technology.

Happy Halloween. Befriend two zombies.

Excuse me while I kiss the Skype. is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

That’s right – if you missed my Fringe show, or if you saw it and liked it enough that you’d like to read it too, you can buy the book version here. Or from me personally, if you happen to see me at some event. Only five smackeroos, honey.

Speaking of some event…

You may have heard that Canada’s biggest spoken-word event is happening this week. Yes, the Canadian Festival of Spoken Word is going down in Toronto from October 11 to 15. And you think I’m gonna let that pass me by without making some kind of small mark on it? Well, do you?

Oh. Maybe you did.

Well, let me just set you straight then. On Thursday morning, I’m hosting the humour-writing workshop run by local poet David Clink, a master of puns and other literary yuks. After I introduce him, he’ll show budding humour writers how to do it right. And there’ll even be a small open mic, for participants who want to read their workshop poems or something else they’ve brought in.

Other events, including slams, workshops and seminars, are happening all over the bloody place, and slam poets from across the nation are taking part in the competition. There’s even a Geek Open Mic at the Tranzac on Friday at 2:00, for those of you who want to boast of your Trekkiedom or Hobbitry in front of a crowd that won’t shove you into a locker.

And then…

on Sunday the 16th, I’m taking a bus back to Ottawa to feature in the Dusty Owl reading series once again. Tell your Ottawa friends. Tell your MPs. It’s my third time headlining this small but friendly literary series, run by Steve Zytfeld and Kate Hunt. There’s an open mic too, so bring a poem or story of your own.

Details on the above events on the right sidebar. Use the mouse arrow and make the magic happen.

Happy Halloween. Befriend a zombie.

Every time you see an FSW, you eat it. is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

But seriously, folks! [laugh track, random claps]

There are only two reasons I’m back again so soon:

1) To remind you of the launch of Grouch on a Couch: The Chapbook at Word on the Street this Sunday at Queen’s Park. Look for the Burning Effigy table, usually in the Fringe section around the park’s southeast area. I’ll be on hand from 11:00 to noon to do signings, should you be so bold as to arrive that early. I may stick around the fest for an hour or so afterwards, but the book’ll be available there all day.

Unfortunately, due to some technical silliness, the DVD I promised isn’t quite ready yet. (Good thing I’m not an elected official! [laugh track, chorus of “Woo!”]) I may either create them in early October and then awkwardly send them to interested chapbook owners, or just chop the bloody thing in four pieces and post it on YouTube. I’ve got the video, so somebody somewhere oughter see it.

2) To let you know that I’m making my third feature appearance this year at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, also this Sunday. Details under the right sidebar. I may even try some actual storytelling this time, who knows?

The night is hosted by stand-up comic extraordinaire Marilla Wex, who also designed this website. I believe it is now compulsory by law to refer to her as “Rill”.

More stuff coming up in October. CFSW. A return to Ottawa, perhaps to survey the damage I left there last year. And cake. Who doesn’t love cake?

Gonna pop a cap into your lansky. is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I’m sure you’re just as amazed as I am. Really. I mean, I know you’re all so obsessed with me and what I’m up to that you check in here every day, patiently waiting for another word from me.

I mean… there’s got to be somebody looking at my website. Right? Other than spammers?

Humph. Enough of this gay banter and robust chitchat, dear Winifred. Sure, it’s been quiet lately, but I’ve got some eventsicles coming up in the next two weeks, and it’s high time to tell you all about ‘em.

1) In the Can at the sTIFFed! Film Festival

I recently had a role in the short film In the Can, written and directed by Richard Enos and starring Yehuda Fisher, Dan Fox and Lisa Large. The film will be screened this Sunday night at the sTIFFed! Film Festival, which is devoted to shorts that were turned down by TIFF.

Well, hey. You know they’re all gonna be awesome if they’re rejects, huh?

It’s at the Annex Wreck Room; tickets are $15. I may or may not be there myself (call me cheap, but I’m not sure I’m ready to pay fifteen smackers to see my own face on the screen), but if you’re there, I’m sure you’ll have a fun time. There’s also an opening reception, an after-party and even awards.

2) Second City: Students Rock the Nite

As you may or may not know (or care), I’ve taken some Second City improv and sketch-writing classes over the past three years. Right now, I’m enrolled in Writing IV, presided over by veteran comedy writer and actor Bruce Pirrie, and we’re strutting our stuff next Wednesday night.

And by “strutting our stuff”, I obviously mean “having other actors read our scenes aloud in public”.

So that’s what’s going to happen with one of my sketches next week, at the John Candy Box Theatre at the Second City Training Centre. (Get it? Get it? John Candy! Candy Box! No wonder they’re a comedy institution.) I believe there will also be a couple of improv classes doing their thing as well, so there’s something for everybody with a funny bone.

Bone. Ha ha.

More specific details on the above two events are on the right sidebar, under “upcoming events”. Just point your clicker at one and watch magic unfurl.

3) Grouch on a Couch: The Chapbook, launching at Word on the Street

Yep. They warned you about this.

My infamous little Fringe show is about to become a chapbook. And possibly a DVD, too.

Burning Effigy Press is publishing the script as a mini-chapbook, along with a short foreword by Your Humble Narrator. And if plans go as thinged, there will be a bonus DVD featuring a recording of one of the Bread & Circus performances. (It turned out to be the one at which only five people showed up and one of my favourite sound cues wasn’t working, but whaddyagonnado.)

We’re launching the paper edition of Grouch at this year’s Word on the Street literary festival, on Sunday, September 25 at Queen’s Park. The fest goes from 11:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Look for the Burning Effigy Press table in the Fringe section. I may even be on hand early on to sign a few copies.

Stay tuned. More coming up as events unfold.

Plans and provisions, Tom Wingfield, plans and provisions.

My God. It’s full of jars. (Dave Bowman’s cupboard, that is.) is a post from: Jeff Cottrill.com

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.