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Could it be? Yes, it could. Something’s coming, something good…

Hey, gang.

My new CD, This Album is NIT FENNY!, is now available.

Remember last month, when I told you there was going to be a launch party for the album, with lots of cool opening performers? You didn’t think I was lying to you about that, did you? You know I’d never lie to you.

And so the launch is on, baby.
It’s happening on April 2, at the Black Swan Tavern. There’ll be swell opening acts by musicians Kirsten Sandwich, Kari Maaren and Kraken Not Stirred; poet Cynthia Gould; novelist Timothy Carter; and probably some kind of comedy act, TBA. (I’ve heard some fantastic things about TBA. They have fake projectile vomit and everything. Make sure you get seats in the splatter zone.)

Are you on the Facebook? If so, you can RSVP on this event page.

Other than that, I’m still writing lots of articles.

Do you have kidlets? Want to keep them from getting bored over March Break? I have new two pieces on Toronto.com about local playgrounds – both indoor and outdoor.

Also have two new articles on Digital Journal, one a positive review of Cannibal! The Musical (which is still running for another week) and one an informal essay on why The Breakfast Club kind of sucks and Rebel without a Cause holds up better despite being twice its age.

Get with the clicking, buster.

Don’t make me tap the sign.

An announcementoid.

Are you ready? Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

Here’s a thing that’s coming soon:

This will be out sometime before May. Still negotiating and arranging all the things and stuff. There will be a launch party at some point, of course, with lots of cool performers. And yes, the album will include the notorious “How to Become a Deranged Leftist Reactionary”.

While you wait for that, you can see me perform at Habits Gastropub in the west end on February the 19th. Lizzie Violet is hosting, Lauren Stewart and Alyestal Hamilton are the other features and there will be an open mic too. You should go. You will be temporarily happy.

Want to read my recent review of Sharr White’s The Other Place, which is being staged at the St. Lawrence Centre? Click here.

Want to read my recent Toronto.com article about unconventional ways to stay fit in this city? Then click here. You can do it. I believe in you.

That’s all for now. Happy Groundhog Day. I like you.

We wish you a merry fitness / And a happy new YOU!

2014 is over. It is now 2015.

It was a year of stuff and things. It was a year when we lost some talented folks too soon, including Robin Williams and Philip Seymour Hoffman and Nik Beat. It was a year when liking a Woody Allen movie became a virtual hate crime. It was a year when bad people killed other people and stuff blew up, which happens every year anyway. It was a year that included the hundredth anniversary of World War I and the seventy-fifth anniversary of World War II, but hardly anybody noticed.

It was also a year when I somehow managed to remain employed full-time for the entire twelve months, and when I also wrote a lot of other stuff online. I went to New York City twice, and I attended tapings of both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, saw Chris O’Dowd and James Franco act on Broadway and even got Bryan Cranston’s autograph. I even did karaoke in Montreal a couple of times, goddamn it. I played lots of board games, ate too much pasta and drank too much cider.

How is 2015 going to be any different, you ask? Okay, you didn’t ask, but tough. How?

Because I’m about to release a new album.

My third spoken-word album (not a physical CD this time, but a download card from the Internet) is going to be titled This Album is NIT FENNY. For those whose jaws are now hanging in lost, distressed bafflement, “nit fenny” is stuck-up-reactionary-college-student-ese for “not funny”. To demonstrate, say the title out loud in a whiny voice with your teeth clenched.

The album will be funny, of course. At least I think so. The usual suspects won’t. Hence the title.

But before the new album comes out (sometime before May, I anticipate), there’s one thing happening that also happened in 2014. And that thing is this: I’m featuring at Outrageous, at the Central, once again.

Hosted by the unbearably sexy Elizabeth Burns and attended by some loud, crazy kids who don’t like the quiet reverence of conventional poetry readings nor the militant political correctness of the slam scene, Outrageous is Toronto’s most out-RAAAAAY-jus spoken-word show. I’m there near the end of this month; look for me doing some of my more irreverent material.

And I’ll be doing other gigs later on. Not all of them local. Check the right sidebar yourself, because I can’t do everything for you, now, can I?

I’ve written some new reviews and op-ed pieces for Digital Journal too, so make with the clicky and have a good read.

Eat your fish heads. They’re good for you, Shorty.

Here’s a doggy.

Welcome to the title of U2’s second album

And welcome to fall. It’s pretty warm for the beginning of October so far. Climate change, man. Get with the thing and whatnot.

I have only one spoken-word gig this month, and it’s a small one. I’m reading my story “Nick Bland, in: Da Screwy Dame” at Hot Sauced Words: Poetry Noir, which is a special film noir-themed edition of the series. The story, and other readings, will be intros to some of James Dewar’s famous Poetry Theme Challenges (I would guess the theme for mine will be femme fatales).

The night is hosted by Romeo Satin and features the Satinettes.
Speaking of whom… why does Pelayo Matute always disappear every time Romeo’s in the room? It’s very odd. I’ve been trying to get a photo of them together for years, but it never gels. It’s like that Superman/Clark Kent thing. Could it be… No. No, it couldn’t. Pelayo doesn’t have a moustache.

I suppose I should give a Trigger Warning for this story. So:
Trigger Warning: “Da Screwy Dame” includes mild 1940s-style misogyny. Also a scene in which a cat gets threatened with pistol-whipping. Oops, just spoiled one of the jokes.

Halloween is coming up. Do you like scary things? Do you? Then read my new Toronto.com article, “Haunted Places in Toronto”. I also did a recent one about corn mazes in the Greater Toronto Area. And check out Digital Journal for some recent theatre reviews.

Stay classy, Biff.

Happy Civic Holiday, George Bailey!

I hope the Civic Holiday Gnome left some civics in your panties this morning, buster.

I only have one feature gig on the horizon this month. But that’s fine, because it’s going to be…

OOOOUUUTTTTTT – RAAAAAAAAAAY – GEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s how you’re supposed to say it.

Yes, I’m featuring in the infamous Outrageous poetry and music series at the Central in three weeks.
My dear old friend Cynthia Gould, of Some Words Spoken and High Heels Lo Fi fame, is another feature. The show also has Joseph Ianni, Londzo and Open Market, with an open mic, hosted by Elizabeth Burns.

You should go, damn you.

Based on my past attendance at this series, I gather that this is the one show where I get to do all my “offensive” material. The reason I am putting “offensive” in quotation marks is that I don’t really think I’m all that offensive – at least, not in comparison to past acts I’ve seen at Outrageous and some of the stuff we’re seeing on prime-time TV these days – but numerous slam poets and activists I’ve crossed swords with would highly disagree with me.

So I suppose that my Outrageous set should come equipped with a Trigger Warning. So:
Trigger Warning: My feature set at Outrageous will upset you if you do not have a sense of humour.

See you there. Have mercy on the boy.

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