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Lockdown got you bored?

Looking for something to read while you’re stuck at home self-isolating? Gone through all your books and desperate for something new?

Well, have I got something for you, kids.

You can read Hate Story, my novel-in-progress!

Or at least the first few chapters.
I’ve been posting them weekly on the writing website Wattpad. So far, I’ve put up the first three: Chapters Zero, One and Two. (Chapter Zero is really kind of a prologue. I’m calling it that because I didn’t want it to look like the standard, cliché prologue-before-the-main-action deal. Even though it, well, kind of is.)

Here’s the link.

Bear in mind that I don’t consider these to be final drafts. They say that a work of art (or, perhaps in this case, brainless entertainment) is never completed, but only abandoned. I’m currently working with the Humber School for Writers to tweak this into something that fits the barest outer reaches of being publishable by even the smallest of presses. And even if I end up having to self-publish this thing, I don’t want it to suck completely.

Happy reading.

*****

Are you done reading? Still bored?

Here’s what the Chipmunks sound like at normal speed.

Ta ta.

The luck of the pot

Hey you.

Friday night, come to the Ad Lib Potluck.
I’ll be reading something. There will be other performers, probably Vanessa McMahon and Charlene Winger and stuff. Damon Lum hosts again.

And there will be food.
Details, right sidebar.

Don’t feel like writing anymore.
Here are some puppies and a mean mommy.

Happy March.

Valentine’s / And the lovin’ is easy…

Just a quick note to let you know that I’m about to do my first poetry gig in more than eleven months. This Tuesday, you can catch me at the Art Bar Valentine’s Night, along with Valentino Assenza, Rahul Gupta and an open mic. Cynthia Gould hosts.

Yeah, I know. Three males. Two of them white. Not the wokest of lineups. But that’s the way it worked out, so I say shrug and come and have a good time. Deets on the right sidebar.

And to put you in the Valentine’s mood, here’s an uplifting Valentine’s scene from the ultimate Valentine’s movie.

Seeya.

“They’re a rotten crowd. You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.”

The twenties are back, everybody.
Yes, I know… the pedants are going to look at you condescendingly and sneer and say, “No. No. The new decade does not start until 2021. Stop behaving like a swine, you unsophisticated fool.” Well, to hell with them. Let’s start partying like we’re at the Gatsby mansion at midnight in 1924, or at the Overlook Hotel in 1921.

One year ago today, I began writing my novel, Hate Story.
I was hoping to have a full first draft completed well before now, but life always gets in the way. The good news is that I’m near 200 pages. More good news: next week, I’m supposed to start the Humber School for Writers mentorship program. Hopefully this program will help transform my book into something that fits into the widest outer realm of being publishable.

One year ago today, I began writing the opening chapter of Hate Story. Today, I hope to sit down again with that opening chapter and fix all of the many, many issues with it, before I show it to my mentor.

But I’m not writing this website update to tell you about all that. I’m here to tell you that Damon Lum is hosting yet another Ad Lib Talent Show for his birthday this month, and I’ll be one of the performers. I’ll read a piece of fiction there, though I haven’t decided what yet. More deets on the right sidebar.

Speaking of me and pieces of fiction: I recently had two short stories published on the website The Blake-Jones Review! Read them here:

“Way Out”
“Death Has a Laugh”

I also posted another story draft on Wattpad, which may amuse you:

“Stock Star”

And my recent theatre reviews for Digital JournalThe Flick, Bend It Like Beckham: The Musical and Second City’s current revue – are at this link.

And now… on with the twenties.
Here’s a video guide if you need it:

Ta ta.

You can always depend on the kindness of strangers

Just checking in again, to remind you all (or anyone who visits this site, if anyone does) that I exist, I breathe, I live, and I’m still writing. Well, trying to find time to write. I’ve hit a wall in my novel-in-progress, mainly due to lack of time, which has killed my momentum. I hope to pick it up again soon.

I’ve started a Wattpad account. And I’ve posted a grand total of… one story there:

“A Dickens of a Day”

It’s a very silly homage to Charles Dickens, a re-imagining of his first meeting with Ellen Ternan. And his weird habit of staring at corpses. Seriously, look it up.
Other stories to come, I hope… when I find the time to make revisions to them.

More importantly: my more polished short story “The Madness East of St. George” is going to appear in the next issue of The Artis magazine. (I mistakenly believed it was going to be in the spring issue, so ignore my past mentions.) It is expected to be out next month… more or less. I think you’ll be able to pick it up at Indigo in Oakville or something. Or order it online. Here’s the mag’s website.

And I’m still doing theatre reviews for Digital Journal. I’ve written a few new ones since my last post here; you can read them at this link. You can still catch Soulpepper’s excellent production of A Streetcar Named Desire for the next three weeks. Brando isn’t in this one, though. Neither is Marge Simpson.

And now, to the point:
Ad Lib is holding another one of its talent shows this month, a Halloween-themed one that is also a celebration of musician Vanessa McMahon’s birthday. I’ll be reading or performing something there too. Come in costume if you want. Details on the right sidebar.

And I’ll leave you with…

Spider-Verse. Spider-Verse. Movie that could have been much worse.

Does it star
Tobey in tights?
No it don’t
‘Cause he bites.
Hey there, I saw the Spider-Verse…

“Stop that, lad. You’re not gonna do a song while I’m here.”

Well.
The only reason I’m here is to let you know that there’s another Ad Lib Talent Show coming up at the Arts and Letters Club in a couple of weeks. Check the right sidebar for deets.

And the only reason I led off with a silly Spider-Man song is because I’m very likely bringing back an old short story from the dead — “How I Freaked Out the Spider-Man Guy”. It’s a fifteen-year-old story (published in my 2007 chapbook Guilt Pasta) that I still think is funny. What with everybody so obsessed with the Marvel Cinematic Universe these days, it’s a wonder I haven’t resuscitated this story sooner.
Of course, Broken Pencil loathed Guilt Pasta and everything in it, stating in its review that I don’t “even know what fiction is.” So perhaps I’m in error in calling it a short story. Maybe it’s a waffle. Or a beagle’s nostril.

Also, if you want to read a few recent stage reviews I’ve done for Digital Journal, here they are.
I’ve been phoning in my reviews lately, due to lack of time, but you may still enjoy them, and I expect to get paid a few dollars for them. (Literally, a few dollars.)

Now, doggies.

Happy Cinco de Cuatro, meine Liebchen.

Two videos and a poster. (No wedding, no funeral.)

Hi.

I’m gonna make this one quick, because I’m tired.

First, I’m performing at this on Sunday:

If you’re on the Facebook, you can see the event page at this link.

Second, I’m in a couple of recent videos. Videos!

As I mentioned in my last post, I did an interview on The Artis with Ivy Reiss back on January 25. It was posted online. So far, almost all the feedback has been good. Which means I probably wasn’t controversial enough. Watch the video below:

And I also had a small role as an evil, scary clown in the new Kraken Not Stirred video, “Time Loop Episode”, which was released today:

Cut. Print. Bye.

I’m going to be on the television. Well, sort of.

I’m back.

“But Jeff! You just posted here a few weeks ago. I don’t know if I can keep up with these inane ramblings of yours. Slow down and read a book.”

Well, okay. But first I have a little update…

Remember in my overlong and over-reflective January 1 post, when I said I was going to be interviewed on TV in March? Online TV, that is.
Well, that got bumped up to this month. Specifically, this Friday.

Tune in to ThatChannel.com this Friday, January 25 at 1:00 p.m. EST (6:00 p.m. if any U.K. friends/acquaintances are interested) to see me on The Artis with Ivy Reiss. I think I’m actually going to be on around 1:30.

The topic we are planning to discuss:
“Is Nuance Dead… in the Age of Outrage?”

That’s right. Consider that a trigger warning. I may be saying some rather controversial and politically incorrect things. You will probably get angry. Well, angrier than usual.

To see past interviews Ivy has conducted on the show, with other Toronto-area artists, click here.

Also, catch me at the Arts & Letters Club in the evening of the same day. Already covered that in my last post.

And now, sit back and bask in the greatest musical score ever contributed to a TV cartoon. Well, maybe second-greatest, after the first two Charlie Brown specials.

Aloha, fellow babies.

Mad Libs About You

Welcome to 2019.
Among other things, this year is the fiftieth anniversary of the moon landing, the fiftieth anniversary of Woodstock, and the thirtieth anniversary of Return of the Swamp Thing. Take your pick.

We’re supposed to get all self-reflective and humble this time of year, making resolutions for the coming twelve months. Resolutions we intend to keep, but rarely do when reality sets in.
If I am to make a resolution, it’s to write a lot more. Yes, I already write a lot, but I’m not counting what I do for my current day job, which involves little if any true creativity. I mean I need to use this year to push myself to start and work on another overdue big writing project. Hopefully one that won’t turn out as awful as Grouch on a Couch, anyway.

I’ve wanted to write and publish a novel (or at least a decent novella) since I was about eight years old and lost in the worlds of Roald Dahl and Judy Blume and Pippi Longstocking and so on. I wanted to do that too. I probably could have done it fifteen or twenty years ago, if I hadn’t been discouraged by bad writing workshops that tried to turn me into something I wasn’t, and then virtually kicked me in the face when I couldn’t conform. I might have even done it since then if life hadn’t gotten in the way constantly. Instead, I’ve been writing and performing comedic prose poems (and trying to make a living from journalism and editing) while others around me have found the time and motivation to write and publish novels and other kinds of proper full-length books. It doesn’t seem right that I’m still not part of that club, even as a doorman. At least, not when it’s what I wanted to do all along.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but if I have one for 2019, it’s to create something. Even a bad first draft can become a passable second draft, surely? Even if I have to spend a metric busload of money on writing classes just to motivate myself with assignments and deadlines, something has to give.

This need is why I’ve been in a transition phase over the past year – trying to switch my focus from spoken word to fiction. I’m not quitting spoken-word performance. If somebody offers me a local gig, I’ll take it. But I’m not actively pursuing it anymore – not pining for ideas for new material, nor haunting open mics. While I know I’ll never be one of the cool kids of the community (I’m never going to get the respect of a Koyczan or a McGee), I don’t feel like I have anything left to prove either.
(I’m also turned off by some of the gossip that’s been going on in the local poetry community, but that’s another story)

I am through with the U.K. touring, though.
This is something I’d already semi-secretly decided before I went on my last trip there in late October/early November. This trip had seemed like a much better idea when I’d planned it last January or February. And the three gigs I did went very well, as did a few open mics, and it was great to see a handful of friends I don’t get to see often. But although it’s the closest I get to feeling like a real literary success, it makes my credit cards very sad, and it’s stressful, and there are lots of other cities and places in the world I haven’t been to yet.

I actually seriously considered relocating to London about ten years ago, if mostly in my imagination. I was so excited by how broad and diverse the U.K. poetry and spoken-word community was, and I liked the friends I’d made there, and I’ve always loved certain aspects of British culture – the unsentimental wit, the innovative rock music, the gloomy sense of humour. For years, I’ve thought of London as a second home, even though I’ve never lived there. But being back there this November made me realize that I can live without it, too. Sometimes I even found myself wondering why I kept coming.

Of course I’ll miss it. I’ll miss the way St. Paul’s Cathedral looks like an oil painting of itself from the south bank of the Thames. I’ll miss wandering historical districts and imagining people in period garb walking those same streets centuries ago. I’ll miss Walkers crisps and large bottles of cider and buying pre-made sandwiches in the train shops on long journeys. I’ll miss seeing some of the best theatre productions in the world. I’ll miss an underground transit system that actually works most of the time – and riding in the front seat of the second storey of a double-decker bus and feeling as if I’m flying. I’ll miss the accents, and the ability to charm strangers with my own. But I know I can live without them.

*****

Well. Enough of diversions. Here’s the point.

As I said, I’m still accepting performance gigs when/if they come up. (One reason is that I still have a third of a box of This Album Is NIT FENNY! copies to get rid of.) One that I’ve accepted is the Ad Lib Talent Show on the 25th. Yes, my friend Damon Lum likes to celebrate his birthday by inviting all his buddies to get together and perform in a show. I may read a short story. Or I may stick to the old material. Or a little from column A and a little from column B. To find out, show up. Ring the bell to get in and then proceed to the third-floor studio. Details on the right sidebar.

Also, it looks like I’m going to be interviewed on TV in March. Online TV, that is. Stay tuned.

My Digital Journal output has been thin lately, but I did give a decidedly mixed review to this year’s Second City holiday revue. Click here to read the thing.

And now, here’s what Bosko has to say about Doug Ford.

We wish you a Merry Fitness and a Happy New You.

Conjiction jiction, what’s your fiction?

Time flies when you’re not accomplishing much, huh?

It’s been nearly five months since I posted on this thing. In that time, I’ve been focusing less on spoken word; I don’t have much new material, and I’ve been frequenting few open mics. That’s not to say I haven’t been writing. On the contrary – my day job involves almost nothing but writing, and I still poison the Internet with the occasional amateurish theatre review.

So what have I been doing lately? I’ve been focusing more on fiction. Short stories. Some of them silly, and some of them slightly less so. I took a couple of classes that were very encouraging, and they got me writing fiction again. At least, for the time being. I’ve been slacking off for the last few weeks, after the second class ended and work and other responsibilities began piling up. I’m hoping to pick that up again this long weekend, although I’m not ready to try the three-day-novel contest.

Perhaps I’ll read one of my shorter stories this Tuesday. Speaking of which…

On Tuesday, I’ll be featuring at Wild Writers, along with Bänoo Zan.
This will be a fun evening of poetry, prose, spoken word, beer… and free snacks! Host Georgia Wilder always has free munchies available – usually nachos, some kind of dippable vegetable, and occasionally even sushi. You may not even need to get dinner.

So expect a twenty-five-minute set from me, and bring a poem or two to perform on the open mic. More details on the right sidebar. Join the Facebook event page here.

In the meantime… you can check out a few more of my amateurish theatre reviews at this link.
Scroll down a bit and you can see the tribute I wrote about Superman: The Movie back in April. Then come back and yell at me for my lack of wokeness in not appreciating Black Panther and Wonder Woman enough.

And now, just for kicks…
here’s the best BAFTA moment ever.

Back to school, you mangy little brats.

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