The August of Your Soul

Posted by Jeff on Aug 6th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

Hey buddy.

So I didn’t do a whole frackin’ lot in July, except for uploading a year-old video of my one-man show. But with the bitter August wind comes the tender trellisses of the sinister dexterities of new gigs.

(This is why people tell me I’m not a real poet.)

First of all, I just got offered two parts, a last-minute replacement, in the Frolick theatre company’s ongoing production of Adventures in Slumberland on Centre Island. It’s based on the classic Little Nemo comic by Winsor McCay. It’s a family show, and if you have little people in your household, it’s a perfect outing for them.

(EDIT: I’m going to be doing Adventures in Slumberland from now until September 3. Shows run every day, usually hourly from 11:15 to about 7:00, weather permitting. For the most part, I’ll be in the later-afternoon shows, as part of the “B” cast.)

I’m playing Flip and King Morpheus. Why, I even get to sing a song. It’s only my second* paying acting gig, and I didn’t even have to audition for it. They didn’t even need a head shot. Sometimes it just helps when somebody knows you.

Then, on the following weekend, Plasticine Poetry Series is welcoming me back to feature for a fourth time. Hosted by the sexy and saucy Cathy Petch, the show will also include the literary talents of Duncan Armstrong, Heather Wood and Carolyn Smart.

You should go to that one, because they now do the series at Pauper’s Pub, and Pauper’s Pub has Keith’s cider. Which is great muhfuggin cider. Actually, I think they just have it as a temporary replacement for Magner’s, which is also pretty good. Anyway, come for the cider and stay for the performances. There’s an open mic, too.

And on the following Sunday, it’s Caplansky’s time again. I tell stories. Perhaps I may even tell one in spoken-word form.

In the meantime… read my Digital Journal stories. Now. As in, these ones.

Toodles.

* Unless you count Grouch on a Couch. But I don’t, because I spent far more money doing that show than I earned from it. And unless you count the work I used to do as a movie extra, but come on, that’s hardly acting.

“Grouch on a Couch” is now online, suckas.

Posted by Jeff on Jul 13th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

I don’t have any features or gigs this month. Not until August.
I’ve had other things on my mind. For starters, I need a new day job again. Preferably something that involves writing and pays enough to live on. If you’ve got any leads in that direction, please pass them on. If it helps, I’ll even hold up my hand in the “phone” position and mouth “Call me.” That always works.

But I’ve got other fish to nuke for the moment.

Remember how I kept hyping before that a video of Grouch on a Couch was going to be online soon? (Assuming that anybody reads the posts on my website, that is?)

Well, now it’s “soon”. Grouch on a Couch is online.
Because I’ve finally gotten around to setting up my own goddamn YouTube account.

I’ve even set up a playlist that includes not only Grouch but a few other random videos of me that other people have shot… one of them is from the Bowery Poetry Club in New York, another is from a Skype broadcast event in the U.K., and so the hell on.

So now… if you’re one of those people who swore on their mothers’ graves that they intended to see Grouch on a Couch when I did it onstage, but still missed it – now you can see it!

Well, you can see a low-quality video of the show.

Specifically, of the least-attended performance of it.

In six parts.

Better than never seeing it at all, right? I hope so. Because I’m never performing it again. This is the only way you can see me perform the show now.

Why don’t I just make things easier and embed the whole thing here? Yeah, I’ll do that. You can go make popcorn in the meantime.

June, she’ll change her tune / In restless walks, she’ll prowl the night

Posted by Jeff on Jun 9th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

It’s June. And you know what that means.

It means… that I’m featuring in Storytelling at Caplansky’s once again. On Sunday the 17th. They must love me there, even though they don’t laugh much. I believe I’m going to perform a relatively new piece, “A Love Letter”, which has been going over very well at numerous open mics and which I’ve recently gotten around to memorizing.

So, officially speaking, all I’ve got on the gig front at the moment are Caplansky’s this month and Plasticine (my fourth feature there, I think) in August. And I’ll also be appearing on Nik Beat’s radio program, HOWL, once again in August.

But… there may well be more coming up.
Specifically, I’m waiting to hear back about at least a couple of potential out-of-town slam features in the coming months. No chicken-counting yet, my friend, but look out for stuff. I’m back, baby.

I went to New York a few weeks ago, where I did a feature at the excellent Jujomukti Spoken-Word Sundays series in the East Village, along with Kat Georges. And I saw the wonderful Book of Mormon, and even toured Carnegie Hall. Not nearly as funny as the Carnegie Hall Show, by the National Theatre of the World… but next time somebody asks me how to develop the skills and talent to become a world-renowned concert pianist, I’m going to reply: “57th and 7th”.

Yes, I just pulled an Allen Woody. Deal with it, bucko.

I’ve also been writing news stuff.
Oh, didn’t I ever mention that I occasionally contribute to Digital Journal? No? Well, I do. Mainly for fun and exposure. I even got paid for it once. And then ninety percent of those earnings were immediately deducted from my Paypal account for a service I’m not even using at the moment, but that’s another story.

You should read my articles and click Like, so that I get points and stuff and maybe another eventual ten dollars. Here’s the link to my articles.

You should especially read the E.T. op-ed piece I posted this morning. Because almost nobody else is, apparently. What, everybody’s too cool for E.T. now? (My third-grade classmates certainly weren’t. Take that.)

Happy summer. Build a dirt-man for me.

Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor

Posted by Jeff on May 6th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

Happy Cinco de Mayo. You’ve got less than thirty-five minutes after this post to appreciate it.

Remember a few weeks ago, when I said that I did a video shoot for BeSpokeCity for my old warhorse “He Reads Michael Ondaatje”? Here it be, sucka.

And if you go to the actual YouTube page, you may see links to several much-less-professional-looking videos of me reading or performing “Review of This Piece”, “Party Like Juan” and a relatively new bit, “A Love Letter”, which I’m currently in the process of memorizing.

So… this is your chance to post comments on my videos like, “omg lol thiss guy sux!!!!!!! haha lolol”

Next Friday, the 11th, I’m going to be performing at Jammin’ on the One, in another comedy sketch from Rabbit Hole Sketch Company, “Arthur and Martha Have Visitors”, written and directed by Charlene Winger. Also appearing in the scene will be my friends Terry Kan, Magdalena BB, Charlene, Richard Allen and Arden Church. I think there’s another featured performer or two, and it’s all followed by an open improv jam for everyone.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “But Jeff… you’re acting? Again? Surely you learned your lesson from Grouch on a Couch? That you’re not a real actor? Come on. Jest not with me, O foolish man who dost not know thyself.”
Yes, I did learn my lesson from Grouch. Actually, I learned a lot of lessons from doing that show, many of which I wish I could unlearn, and most of which are reasons why you should buy my chapbook of the show’s script and earn me back some of the money and dignity that I lost. But I digress. I’m doing this sketch, and it’s mainly for fun. Come see it and maybe you’ll have fun too.

And now, ladies and gentlemen… Conway Twitty.

(You know you’re losing your touch when you start stealing your jokes from The Dog & Baby Show. I mean, Family Guy.)

Whan that Aprille, with hise shoures soote…

Posted by Jeff on Apr 17th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

How’s it going?

Not so much has happened since February. Oh, I went to Italy for a week. Italy is nice. I ate a lot of gelato and pizza and pasta. As you do. While in Pisa, I got new ideas for two spoken-word monologues, which I’ve already drafted. I don’t know if they’re any good. We’ll see when I test them out.

My new Coffeehouse.ca site is going to be up soon. When it’s ready, you’ll be able to find it on the Coffeehouse link on the links page. You can find it. You’re a big boy. Or girl.

I just shot a video for BeSpokeCity of my old piece “He Reads Michael Ondaatje”. I’ll embed it on this site when it’s ready and public. And although it’s been more than a year, we’re hoping to get that video of Grouch on a Couch online soon. Wheels are turnin’.

The only gig I have this month is yet another appearance at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, next Sunday. I don’t know what stories I’m going to tell yet. Maybe it will be the thrilling yarn of the writing of this blog entry.

That’s all for now. Go slap a monkey.

Happy birthday, Charlie Dickens

Posted by Jeff on Feb 5th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

In case you haven’t heard, this coming Tuesday is the two-hundredth anniversary of the birth of the great Victorian novelist Charles Dickens.

I suggest you celebrate by reading Great Expectations, one of the best damn novels ever written. David Copperfield is also really good, as is the first half of Oliver Twist. But if you’re one of those people who refuse to read Dickens because your Grade 11 teacher forced you to read A Tale of Two Cities in less than a week, or because you think anything written before Hemingway is “like, OMG, like, totally lame-o and gay, dood”, then I would suggest you read John Irving’s brilliant 1986 essay, “The King of the Novel” – a passionate, heartfelt defense not only of Dickens but of any writer who has ever had anything worth saying about society and human nature. It’s in Irving’s short-story collection, Trying to Save Piggy Sneed. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Or, if you just don’t like reading, then watch David Lean’s movie adaptations from the 1940s. Drink a shot whenever you see antisemitism.

I’ll do my part for Dickens’ birthday on February 19, when I feature once again at Storytelling at Caplansky’s. By request of the host, Marilla Wex (who designed this website, and may even be reading this right now – Hi, Marilla! *waves*), I’ll memorize my infamous Dickens parody, “Little Nell”, and perform it there. Warning: It contains graphic violence, long book titles and a spectacularly inept cockney accent.

But why am I going on about Dickens? This website isn’t about him. It’s about me, me, me!

Three nights before Caplansky’s, I’m performing at Launchpad Comedy, a night of yuks hosted by my friend Magdelena. I’ll be the sole comical poet surrounded by a roomful of legit comedians. Wish me luck.

But the big show is on the afternoon of Sunday, February 26.

That’s when my Second City writing class presents Of Vice and Men, a one-hour, Second City-style revue on the Mainstage, featuring real, semi-professional actors performing our words. (We’ll be in the show too, briefly, in the opening sketch.) I’ve contributed scenes lampooning kindergarten classes and old-timey movie producers.

Here’s the Facebook event page. If you can’t make the 26th, though, there are also small “work in progress” presentations you can see on the 12th and 19th. (There was one yesterday, too, but you can only catch that one with a Tardis or a DeLorean.)

Info on all of the above events on the right sidebar.

What a world of gammon and spinach it is, though, ain’t it?

Only 100 years until the Temples of Syrinx are torn down.

Posted by Jeff on Jan 7th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

Hey man.

I’m gonna keep this one short, because I’ve got other stuff to do.

So if you’re one of those people who doesn’t like these blog posts but reads them anyway, this one will save you a little suffering. If you love these blog posts, well, tough.

This Thursday the 12th, I’m featuring at “The Beautiful and the Damned”, a monthly poetry and music series run by everybody’s favourite She Bytch, Carolina Smart. Also featuring is the hilarious local poet David Clink, and the musical feature will be either Arlene Paculan or Charnie Guettel. Hosting is Rex Baunsit.

Wanna see the poster, which misspells my name?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wanna see the other one?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you enjoy this night of poetry and. If you want to RSVP on the Facebook page, here it is.

I’m also having another one of my comedy scenes read aloud at the John Candy Box Theatre this month. It’s supposed to be on the 25th… but they may change it. It may be the 18th. I can’t tell you yet. Check the right sidebar for any updates. (Why should I have to do everything, huh? Huh?)

And now, for reasons only known to myself, I shall poke your tum-tum.

Remember, remember, my gigs in December.

Posted by Jeff on Dec 3rd, 2011 in News | 0 comments

All right, Sparky. I’ve got a lot to update about this time, so let’s get to it. Like Foster Hewitt, when he’s gonna do it. To a freakin’ Jesuit.

Didn’t know I could MC, could ya? Yo.

Before I get into the events, though… I’ve been making little appearances on the ol’ Interwebs.

Like, remember back in October, when I did that reading via Skype, broadcast live to an audience in Sheffield, England from the comfort of my own modest little East York apartment? Well, the other end got posted on YouTube:

Unfortunately, and true to Skype, the screen was frozen half the time. So they saw me caught in suspended animation with a goofy expression on my face. But they could hear. So can you.

And I obviously didn’t make a total fool of myself, because I later got a complimentary mention in this blog review of the show by Rob Hindle.

Did you manage to get out to my chapbook launch last Sunday? No? Well, never fear. All is not lost. Because you can still see it – and read about it – courtesy of this nice little ol’ writeup about the show by Jason Darrick, on Dreadful Tales. The article features a video of me performing a scene from my one-man show, Grouch on a Couch:

Speaking of Grouch on video… I do have a video of one of the performances. (It was the least-attended one, and it had some stupid technical glitches, but that’s better than nothing.) One of these days, it’s gonna get posted online, and then, if you never got to see it live, you can finally see it in the comfort of your own home. Huzzah.

* * * * *

Okay. Now to the events.

Remember in my last post, when I said I was doing another sketch reading at the Second City Training Centre on November 30, and then it got bumped to December 7? Well… this Wednesday is December 7.
So if you come to the John Candy Box Theatre on Wednesday night, you can hear my comedy scene “The Interpreter” read aloud by actors. Like, real actors. Not a goddamn phony like me. Do come out and laugh heartily, my friends.

On the 11th, I’m making my fourth – yes, fourth – feature appearance this year at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, hosted by the creator of this website wot you are reading now, Marilla Wex. Rumour has it that I’ll be revealing the story behind the inspiration behind my old piece, “He Reads Michael Ondaatje”. Or maybe not. I haven’t really decided yet. Go and see for yourself.

And then, on the 15th, catch me at the fifth annual Hot-Sauced Words Anti-Pageant Show, along with Kirsten Sandwich, Nicki Ward, Sue Reynolds, Tuesday’s Children and Kate Marshall Flaherty. Plus an extended open mic.

More details on the right sidebar. But you knew that.

Happy New Year. It may be the last. If the Mayan prophecy is wrong, we have only a hundred years to go before the Rush one.

Burn, effigy, burn. Effigy inferno.

Posted by Jeff on Nov 13th, 2011 in News | 0 comments

I’ve got a dead horse to beat.

Sure, there must be dozens of practical uses for dead horses. You can boil them into glue, you can cook them into horse meat, you can radish them into horseradish. You can scatter them all over a field and film them for a post-battlefield scene in that big American Civil War movie you’re directing. And so on. Yet so many of us keep insisting on beating dead horses anyway. Which, I suppose, is much better than beating live horses.

So, like I said, I’ve got a dead horse to beat. This horse is called Grouch on a Couch. Remember? That Fringe show I did, the one that you probably didn’t go see? Well, you may have heard, it’s now a chapbook.

I launched the book unofficially at the Word On The Street book fair back in September. Two months later, it’s going to get an official launch party at our old friend, the Black Swan – along with two new horror-fiction chapbooks from Burning Effigy Press: Black-Eyed Kids, the latest installment of the Felix Renn/Black Lands stories, by Ian Rogers; and Vanishing Hope by Tobin Elliott.

November 27. Black Swan. More deets on the right sidebar.
And please visit Burning Effigy’s website for more info on its publications.

[EDIT: The Second City class reading was moved to December 7. So I’ll be mentioning it in the December post instead. Got a problem widdat? Huh? Good.]

Happy Boxing Day. Go punch somebody in the nose or something.

(No horses were killed in the writing of this entry. Unless you count Maisie, but she had it coming.)

Excuse me while I kiss the Skype.

Posted by Jeff on Oct 23rd, 2011 in News | 0 comments

I swear, my posts on this site are not becoming a semi-monthly event. They’re not. At least not on purpose.

I intend to do this only monthly, if even that, but sometimes, things just pop up at the last fortnight. And I feel obligated to inform all those wonderful people out there in the dark when things come up.

Assuming there are wonderful people out there in the dark reading this website. Hello? Helloooo… I can’t tell, because it’s dark out there.

So what’s woken me up and shaken me out of the inactivity mattress this time? (Other than inspirations for crappy metaphors?)

Well: This Saturday, the 29th, I’m going to give a brief reading all the way over in Sheffield, England.

And I’m going to do it without leaving Canada. In fact – I’m going to do it without leaving the comfort of my bedroom desk chair.

“But Jeff,” you say, disbelieving, slapping your hand dramatically on the side of your face with a puzzled, skeptical expression, “how is that possible? Why, the laws of physics don’t account for such nonsense and foofooraw! How dare you attempt to manipulate my trust in you with such a grand and absurd falsity. Explain yourself at once, good sir, or I shall be forced to roll my eyes in your direction and say unflattering things about you to the vicious circle.”

And I say: Via Skype.

Yes, Skype. Remember on The Jetsons, in 2001: A Space Odyssey, even on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, how people talked on video-phones, on which they could see each other’s faces on a screen? Skype is sorta like that. Except that it happens over the Internet. We’re in the future now, space clown.

So if you know anybody in the vicinity of Sheffield, you tell ’em to go to Showroom 5 this Saturday night (afternoon for me) to see Skype Me! Sheffield and the World, featuring poets both local (live in person) and from elsewhere (broadcast live via Skype).

Such writers will include Thom the World Poet (Texas), Liesl Jobson and Tanya Chan-Sam (South Africa), Miwa Kurihara (Japan), an International Mystery Guest, and more from Spain, India, Singapore and elsewhere. U.K. scribes present at the actual event will include Rob Hindle, Chella Quint, Gaby Bila-Günther, Kenneth Penfold, Joe Kriss and Liz Cashdan.

And for those who won’t be in Sheffield that night (I’m guessing, about six billion of you), the show will probably be posted on YouTube at some point in the future. Rock on, technology.

Happy Halloween. Befriend two zombies.