Every time you see an FSW, you eat it.

Posted by Jeff on Oct 8th, 2011 in News | 0 comments

Grouch on a Couch: The Chapbook is now for sale online!

That’s right – if you missed my Fringe show, or if you saw it and liked it enough that you’d like to read it too, you can buy the book version here. Or from me personally, if you happen to see me at some event. Only five smackeroos, honey.

Speaking of some event…

You may have heard that Canada’s biggest spoken-word event is happening this week. Yes, the Canadian Festival of Spoken Word is going down in Toronto from October 11 to 15. And you think I’m gonna let that pass me by without making some kind of small mark on it? Well, do you?

Oh. Maybe you did.

Well, let me just set you straight then. On Thursday morning, I’m hosting the humour-writing workshop run by local poet David Clink, a master of puns and other literary yuks. After I introduce him, he’ll show budding humour writers how to do it right. And there’ll even be a small open mic, for participants who want to read their workshop poems or something else they’ve brought in.

Other events, including slams, workshops and seminars, are happening all over the bloody place, and slam poets from across the nation are taking part in the competition. There’s even a Geek Open Mic at the Tranzac on Friday at 2:00, for those of you who want to boast of your Trekkiedom or Hobbitry in front of a crowd that won’t shove you into a locker.

And then…

on Sunday the 16th, I’m taking a bus back to Ottawa to feature in the Dusty Owl reading series once again. Tell your Ottawa friends. Tell your MPs. It’s my third time headlining this small but friendly literary series, run by Steve Zytfeld and Kate Hunt. There’s an open mic too, so bring a poem or story of your own.

Details on the above events on the right sidebar. Use the mouse arrow and make the magic happen.

Happy Halloween. Befriend a zombie.

Gonna pop a cap into your lansky.

Posted by Jeff on Sep 23rd, 2011 in News | 0 comments

Whew – it’s been a long time since I’ve posted on this site. Feels like only a week or so. I hope I haven’t missed any important celebrity deaths.

But seriously, folks! [laugh track, random claps]

There are only two reasons I’m back again so soon:

1) To remind you of the launch of Grouch on a Couch: The Chapbook at Word on the Street this Sunday at Queen’s Park. Look for the Burning Effigy table, usually in the Fringe section around the park’s southeast area. I’ll be on hand from 11:00 to noon to do signings, should you be so bold as to arrive that early. I may stick around the fest for an hour or so afterwards, but the book’ll be available there all day.

Unfortunately, due to some technical silliness, the DVD I promised isn’t quite ready yet. (Good thing I’m not an elected official! [laugh track, chorus of “Woo!”]) I may either create them in early October and then awkwardly send them to interested chapbook owners, or just chop the bloody thing in four pieces and post it on YouTube. I’ve got the video, so somebody somewhere oughter see it.

2) To let you know that I’m making my third feature appearance this year at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, also this Sunday. Details under the right sidebar. I may even try some actual storytelling this time, who knows?

The night is hosted by stand-up comic extraordinaire Marilla Wex, who also designed this website. I believe it is now compulsory by law to refer to her as “Rill”.

More stuff coming up in October. CFSW. A return to Ottawa, perhaps to survey the damage I left there last year. And cake. Who doesn’t love cake?

My God. It’s full of jars. (Dave Bowman’s cupboard, that is.)

Posted by Jeff on Sep 15th, 2011 in News | 0 comments

Has it really been four months since I last posted here? One whole third of a year?

I’m sure you’re just as amazed as I am. Really. I mean, I know you’re all so obsessed with me and what I’m up to that you check in here every day, patiently waiting for another word from me.

I mean… there’s got to be somebody looking at my website. Right? Other than spammers?

Humph. Enough of this gay banter and robust chitchat, dear Winifred. Sure, it’s been quiet lately, but I’ve got some eventsicles coming up in the next two weeks, and it’s high time to tell you all about ’em.

1) In the Can at the sTIFFed! Film Festival

I recently had a role in the short film In the Can, written and directed by Richard Enos and starring Yehuda Fisher, Dan Fox and Lisa Large. The film will be screened this Sunday night at the sTIFFed! Film Festival, which is devoted to shorts that were turned down by TIFF.

Well, hey. You know they’re all gonna be awesome if they’re rejects, huh?

It’s at the Annex Wreck Room; tickets are $15. I may or may not be there myself (call me cheap, but I’m not sure I’m ready to pay fifteen smackers to see my own face on the screen), but if you’re there, I’m sure you’ll have a fun time. There’s also an opening reception, an after-party and even awards.

2) Second City: Students Rock the Nite

As you may or may not know (or care), I’ve taken some Second City improv and sketch-writing classes over the past three years. Right now, I’m enrolled in Writing IV, presided over by veteran comedy writer and actor Bruce Pirrie, and we’re strutting our stuff next Wednesday night.

And by “strutting our stuff”, I obviously mean “having other actors read our scenes aloud in public”.

So that’s what’s going to happen with one of my sketches next week, at the John Candy Box Theatre at the Second City Training Centre. (Get it? Get it? John Candy! Candy Box! No wonder they’re a comedy institution.) I believe there will also be a couple of improv classes doing their thing as well, so there’s something for everybody with a funny bone.

Bone. Ha ha.

More specific details on the above two events are on the right sidebar, under “upcoming events”. Just point your clicker at one and watch magic unfurl.

3) Grouch on a Couch: The Chapbook, launching at Word on the Street

Yep. They warned you about this.

My infamous little Fringe show is about to become a chapbook. And possibly a DVD, too.

Burning Effigy Press is publishing the script as a mini-chapbook, along with a short foreword by Your Humble Narrator. And if plans go as thinged, there will be a bonus DVD featuring a recording of one of the Bread & Circus performances. (It turned out to be the one at which only five people showed up and one of my favourite sound cues wasn’t working, but whaddyagonnado.)

We’re launching the paper edition of Grouch at this year’s Word on the Street literary festival, on Sunday, September 25 at Queen’s Park. The fest goes from 11:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Look for the Burning Effigy Press table in the Fringe section. I may even be on hand early on to sign a few copies.

Stay tuned. More coming up as events unfold.

Plans and provisions, Tom Wingfield, plans and provisions.

The continuing stoooooooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.

Posted by Jeff on May 14th, 2011 in News | 1 comment

Hiya, folks.

I’ll make this one brief (for me), because it’s morning and I’m tired and have a lot of stuff to do today.

England was a spectacular time, as it always is. I totally killed at two of my gigs there, and at one open mic, plus I got the royal rock-star treatment at another one. I drank too much and stayed out too late. I met some more nice people, some of them poets. I saw Dickens’ childhood home in Chatham and the Oscar Wilde prison in Reading. I even performed at a private birthday party.

And I may be going back sooner than expected. Not necessarily to do spoken word. But if so, details on that may come up when they come up…

As for the immediate present:

This is pretty short notice, I know, but I just got asked to perform at a storytelling night tomorrow night (May 15). Storytelling at Caplansky’s, at which I’ve performed before, is a small event in a deli on Sundays. And this time, it’s hosted by Marilla Wex, who not only is a killer stand-up comic and actor but also designed this website. Yes. She created what you are looking at right now.

I’ll do a couple of narrative-ish pieces. The show also features Sage Turtle and Inge Christensen, and there’s an open mic if you want to share a tale or two. Details on the right sidebar.

Farewell, sweet souls of the night.

I won a Tony Award. Oh, no I didn’t — April Fool!

Posted by Jeff on Apr 2nd, 2011 in News | 0 comments

Thank you, one and all, to those of you who came out to see Grouch on a Couch, whether it was during last year’s festival run or at the Bread and Circus a couple of weeks ago. Although the show was far from a smash hit or a critical darling, I’m aware that many of the people who saw it liked it a lot. I received plenty of positive feedback on the script and on the honest passion that went into writing and performing the show. That matters a lot. It makes having done the show seem, in retrospect, very worthwhile, however little I may have gotten out of it financially or in reputation.

And now, it’s time for the Grouch to hang up his trash can for good.
At least, I’m through with the show as a live performance. That doesn’t mean the world will never hear from Grouch on a Couch again. I’m seriously considering publishing the script (along with an introduction) as a chapbook with Burning Effigy. Who knows, maybe you’ll even catch me pimping a home-burned DVD at some point. But I just don’t see the point of mounting the show anymore. If you want me to be brutally honest (and would the Grouch want it any other way?), it seems like an enormous amount of hard work and time spent, not to mention hundreds of dollars (thousands last year), to put into a show that relatively few people want to see. If I could have some kind of guarantee that I’d bring in a good turnout every time, and that more non-fringe media could come to the show and actually take it seriously, perhaps that would make a difference. But that ain’t gonna happen, people. Let’s not kid ourselves.

So if you wanted to see Grouch on a Couch but never made it out, all I can say is… sorry, bud. All gone. Should’ve postponed the manicure until another week.

But let’s not dwell on the past. Let’s get on with the present, shall we? Yes, let’s shall.

First up: Next Friday the 8th, I will be a cast member in the comedy sketch “Dinner at Arthur and Martha’s”, written by Charlene Winger, at improv night Jammin’ On The One. It’s a wacky scene about a family holiday dinner gone wrong. The sketch will also feature Tanya Morgan, Terry Kan, Shelley McCabe, Dani Alon and Winger. There’ll be another featured performer, all followed by an open improv jam (short-form games).

And then, the following week… I’m jumpin’ on a plane.
Yep, it’s been almost three years, but I’m heading back across the pond. It’s time for Jeff’s Third U.K. Mini-Tour! Three gigs in London, one in Reading and one in York. Also some open-mic pit stops in London and Manchester. Along with some visits with friends, a bit of West End theatre, fish and chips and crisps, and cider that doesn’t suck. Maybe I’ll even find time to stalk Lily Allen, who knows.

So, if you’ve got any friends in the land of lorries and lifts, particularly London, tell them to come out and hear me say and read silly things in front of other writers and poets.

You can find all details on the above events on the right sidebar, under “upcoming events”.

Fare thee well, young creatures of the wind.

March comes in like a lamb, which lies down on Broadway

Posted by Jeff on Mar 5th, 2011 in News | 0 comments

This is it, my friends. Get your Grouch on soon, because we’re less than two weeks away from the remount of Grouch on a Couch at the Bread and Circus Theatre!

Yes, if you missed its run at the (now in the process of relocating) Bad Dog Theatre last year, you’ve got four more chances to see it. We’ll be running the show for four straight nights, with sketch-comedy troupe Uncle Mao and the Red Star Review as the opening act. That’s two shows for the price of one, kiddo. Full details on the right sidebar, under “upcoming events”.

And even if you saw it last year at Bad Dog… come again.
Why? Because it’s going to be better this year. Seriously. We’ve got a bigger stage (and a better couch); we’ve tweaked some of the blocking and staging; and we’ve put back in some of the lines we had to cut. We had to trim a few bits to get under the Bad Dog Short Play Festival’s 45-minute time limit, but now you get to see Grouch as it was meant to be seen. Call it the director’s cut. Or rather, the writer’s.

The opening night is St. Patrick’s Day. So come in green! Green for the holiday or green for the grouch, your pick.

I’ll be on hand at a couple of upcoming shows to preview brief scenes. First, there’s Comedy Show of Madness next Wednesday at Cafe Piccolino, which Uncle Mao is putting on. And there’ll be another preview on Sunday the 13th. I don’t have the full info on that show as of this writing, but it’ll appear on the events sidebar here once I do.

And if, for some reason, you just can’t get enough of me at the Bread and Circus, never fear: I’ll be back there a few nights later, on the 23rd, in The Carnegie Hall Show — along with improv by the legendary National Theatre of the World. I’ll read or perform a spoken-word bit or too, in my first CHS appearance in almost a year. (Since then, Colin Mochrie and Scott Thompson have also performed in CHS. So I can brag that I’ve performed in the same revue as they have. Nyah.)

Below is the silly promo video for Grouch. Actually, it’s the same silly promo video that I did last year, with Audrey Hepburn and Elton John, but with the dates and venue changed.
When I posted the Hamilton version on this site last year, I got a number of comments from Elton John fans. I couldn’t tell if the fans were just sharing their proud fandom or if they were offended that I was gently taking the piss out of their idol. Frankly, I picked John only because the avatar character looked vaguely like him. I’m actually a fan of some of his work from the 1970s and early ’80s. Just cheap laughs, that’s all I was going for here.

Allrightythen. See you in Kensington Market soon.

Do we say twenty eleven or two thousand eleven?

Posted by Jeff on Feb 5th, 2011 in News | 0 comments

Has it really been two bloody months since I posted here? To the day?

Oh well. Time funs when you’re having fly. Hope you had a good Hanukkah/Xmas/Boxing Day/Festivus/New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day/MLK Day/Groundhog Day. Right now, we in Ontario are putting up the tinsel and singing the timeless carols of Family Day. That’s the day when the Focus On The Family Fairy comes down your chimney and leaves a new baby under the tree. Or just impregnates you. Or something.

Happy Family Day.

I don’t have any gigs this month, but I’m very busy preparing for the upcoming remount of Grouch on a Couch. That’s coming in less than six weeks to the Bread and Circus Theatre, featuring opening act Uncle Mao and the Red Star Review. You’ll be hearing about it. I guarantee it. I’m also getting ready for my next trip to the U.K., in April. And I’m writing comedy sketches for a Second City class. And working. And reading, and seeing shows and stuff. And doing bad improv. Such is life.

But while I don’t have any official performances this month, I do have one TV interview. Toronto Jay, with Jay Stoyan and Sandy Duarte, is having me back on in two weeks, to discuss Grouch on a Couch and whatever other hijinks of a delightfully ribald nature may come up. It seems they’re welcoming me back because I didn’t offend them enough last time. Looks like I’ll have to try harder. Time to pull out the Ricky Gervais guns…

You can catch the show with me on it later this month. (EDIT AGAIN: I’m taping it this Friday the 11th, and it’ll air a week or two after that.) The show’s on every Friday afternoon at 3:00 p.m., at ThatChannel.com. And if you want to watch my previous interview on the show from last April, just click on “Press/Media” up on the top banner of this page.

You’re beautiful. Yes you are.

Dashing through the snow. In a beat-up Chevrolet.

Posted by Jeff on Dec 4th, 2010 in News | 0 comments

It’s late, and I’m tired, and I can’t think of anything funny or topical to say. Or even inoffensively quirky. Unless you thought that last bit was funny or inoffensively quirky. I didn’t. But I’m just gonna go straight into it and tell you about the two little giggies I have in the coming two weeks:

1) Sharilyn’s Nepotism & Blackmail Stand-up Extravaganza!
This show will be so exciting, why, they had to add an exclamation mark.

Here, I’ll be the sole spoken-word purveyor in a room full of stand-up comics. I’ll do a short set, and the evening will also feature Magdalena, Adam Susser, Catherine McCormick, Amber Harper-Young, Daniela Saioni and Bob Smith. (No, not the guy from the Cure.) It’s at the Crown & Tiger this Tuesday night.

2) Hot Sauced Words Annual Seasonal Anti-Pageant Show
Every year, Hot Sauced Words at the Black Swan subverts the traditional values of our established society with a holiday show that opposes pageants. What bold rebels they be.

On the sixteenth, look for me reading a few pieces alongside the likes of Kirsten Sandwich, Edward Nixon, Kate Marshall Flaherty, Sue Reynolds, Rob Welch, Elves and others. (Yes, it appears there will be elves.)

For further details on these shows, move your mouse over the listings under “upcoming events” on the right side. I mean, really, do I have to do everything around here?

Happy holidays. War is over. Eat turkey and chocolate. Shoot your eye out. Jump in the river to save George. Forgive a pig-headed old fool. You know the drill, Spanky.

Vote “No” on Vember

Posted by Jeff on Nov 3rd, 2010 in News | 0 comments

It’s a depressing time for politics. Ol’ Creepy Eyes is still holding the reins on Parliament Hill, Chris Farley’s doppelganger is about to take over as mayor of this city, and as I write this, the Mad Hatters down south are wresting control of their country away from the people once again. On the bright side, it may be fun to have warm winters, and the comedy and satire that’ll come out of it in the next several years will be gold.

Speaking of comedy. You’ll be needing it to cheer yourself up in the dark times.
Even if you missed the Canadian Comedy Awards festival last month and didn’t feel up to spending the money to fly or bus down to Washington this past weekend for the Rally to Restore Sanity (I made it to both events, ha ha), you’ve got options this month. There’s some kind of comedy festival or something happening in Toronto this week, which I don’t feel like looking up right now. But more important: there’s me. I’m doing stuff. Next week, I’m making my third appearance in Jammin’ on the One.

Next Friday the 12th, you can catch me doing a short spoken-word set at this monthly show, which will also feature yuks from Chaos Theory and The Jenkins Syndrome. The show also features an open improv jam in which anyone can partake. So come and cut your improv teeth in some short-form games — or just come to watch me act stupid in public. Because it’s not like I’ve ever done that before.

The show starts around, like, 8:00 or so. It’s on the third floor of the esteemed Arts and Letters Club; you have to ring a bell to get inside. And no cover. Dammit, they may even have free pretzels and chips.

One more thing… keep your eyes peeled in the new year, because Grouch on a Couch may be coming back. I hope it will, anyway. We’re working on it.

And wish me a happy frickin’ birthday this Thursday. Funny how I can’t seem to get through an entire year without one of those catching up to me.

And then my poor meatball / was nothing but mush.

Posted by Jeff on Sep 30th, 2010 in News | 0 comments

Hey, I’m always one to admit when I’m wrong.

Or almost always. Like, 97% of the time. As in, when I’m absolutely sure I cannot refute anybody else’s arguments.

I thought I had completely sold out of all copies of Guilt Pasta, my 2007 chapbook. I had no immediate plans to reprint it, which implied that they were, in the sing-songy words of every two-year-old, “Aw gawn!”

But then, Burning Effigy Press editor-in-chief Monica S. Kuebler found four unsold copies somewhere at the bottom of her suitcase or something. She brought them to Word on the Street this week… and sold two of them.

That leaves two. I have them. And they’re still for sale. If you hurry, you can buy one of them.

Right now.

Don’t all rush at once now, people.

Here’s the official description, from the Burning Effigy website:

Recipe for Guilt Pasta:
Mix equal portions of Spiderman, Roger Ebert and Ernest Hemingway. Stir in a pinch of the Ugly Duckling and a dash of the girl who broke your heart. Now add a sadistic army brat who clobbers mice with hammers, a jailed sex killer who feels bad about neglecting a parakeet, and an obnoxious co-worker who won’t shut up about his fantasies of turning Canada into a fascist regime. Blend well. Serve immediately.

Result: The third chapbook by Toronto’s notorious spoken-word satirist, Jeff Cottrill. This new collection of short stories and monologues combines quirky characterizations, black humour and offbeat cultural references in a way you won’t soon forget. Exploding nerds, bad cockney accents, a journey to the afterlife, lots of very good beer… Guilt Pasta has something for everyone. (Best recommended with lots of parmesan cheese.)

Not only that, but it has a really funky blue-and-yellow cover designed by Brett Bakker.

A certain J. Blackmore of Broken Pencil magazine wrote that Guilt Pasta was nothing but angry, pretentious, arty garbage, and that I was an a—–e for having written it. I was amazed that he could give such a strong opinion of the chapbook without actually having read it.
(Seriously, there was absolutely no evidence in the review that the dude had read more than two pages of the book. The only specific reference he made from its contents was to a silly, throwaway Hemingway parody stuck somewhere in the middle — and he completely missed the joke. And it’s not like it was a subtle joke. That’s the effort you’re getting from your neighbourhood book critics, kids.)

On the other hand — here’s what a couple of people who actually read the chapbook thought of it…
U.K.-based novelist/poet John Stiles
Toronto writer/critic Carolina Smart (scroll down to near the bottom)

So there.
You can buy a copy of Guilt Pasta by going to my page at Coffeehouse.ca and clicking the little orange button under the cover thumbnail that says “Buy Now”. Or… you can just wait until the next Toronto Small Press Book Fair. But they may be gone by then.

And now, to close, I’m going to post another goofy Alfred Hitchcock video. Because I can.

Best. Trailer. Ever.