Spider-Verse. Spider-Verse. Movie that could have been much worse.

Posted by Jeff on May 4th, 2019 in News | 0 comments

Does it star
Tobey in tights?
No it don’t
‘Cause he bites.
Hey there, I saw the Spider-Verse…

“Stop that, lad. You’re not gonna do a song while I’m here.”

Well.
The only reason I’m here is to let you know that there’s another Ad Lib Talent Show coming up at the Arts and Letters Club in a couple of weeks. Check the right sidebar for deets.

And the only reason I led off with a silly Spider-Man song is because I’m very likely bringing back an old short story from the dead — “How I Freaked Out the Spider-Man Guy”. It’s a fifteen-year-old story (published in my 2007 chapbook Guilt Pasta) that I still think is funny. What with everybody so obsessed with the Marvel Cinematic Universe these days, it’s a wonder I haven’t resuscitated this story sooner.
Of course, Broken Pencil loathed Guilt Pasta and everything in it, stating in its review that I don’t “even know what fiction is.” So perhaps I’m in error in calling it a short story. Maybe it’s a waffle. Or a beagle’s nostril.

Also, if you want to read a few recent stage reviews I’ve done for Digital Journal, here they are.
I’ve been phoning in my reviews lately, due to lack of time, but you may still enjoy them, and I expect to get paid a few dollars for them. (Literally, a few dollars.)

Now, doggies.

Happy Cinco de Cuatro, meine Liebchen.

Two videos and a poster. (No wedding, no funeral.)

Posted by Jeff on Mar 5th, 2019 in News | 0 comments

Hi.

I’m gonna make this one quick, because I’m tired.

First, I’m performing at this on Sunday:

If you’re on the Facebook, you can see the event page at this link.

Second, I’m in a couple of recent videos. Videos!

As I mentioned in my last post, I did an interview on The Artis with Ivy Reiss back on January 25. It was posted online. So far, almost all the feedback has been good. Which means I probably wasn’t controversial enough. Watch the video below:

And I also had a small role as an evil, scary clown in the new Kraken Not Stirred video, “Time Loop Episode”, which was released today:

Cut. Print. Bye.

I’m going to be on the television. Well, sort of.

Posted by Jeff on Jan 20th, 2019 in News | 0 comments

I’m back.

“But Jeff! You just posted here a few weeks ago. I don’t know if I can keep up with these inane ramblings of yours. Slow down and read a book.”

Well, okay. But first I have a little update…

Remember in my overlong and over-reflective January 1 post, when I said I was going to be interviewed on TV in March? Online TV, that is.
Well, that got bumped up to this month. Specifically, this Friday.

Tune in to ThatChannel.com this Friday, January 25 at 1:00 p.m. EST (6:00 p.m. if any U.K. friends/acquaintances are interested) to see me on The Artis with Ivy Reiss. I think I’m actually going to be on around 1:30.

The topic we are planning to discuss:
“Is Nuance Dead… in the Age of Outrage?”

That’s right. Consider that a trigger warning. I may be saying some rather controversial and politically incorrect things. You will probably get angry. Well, angrier than usual.

To see past interviews Ivy has conducted on the show, with other Toronto-area artists, click here.

Also, catch me at the Arts & Letters Club in the evening of the same day. Already covered that in my last post.

And now, sit back and bask in the greatest musical score ever contributed to a TV cartoon. Well, maybe second-greatest, after the first two Charlie Brown specials.

Aloha, fellow babies.

Mad Libs About You

Posted by Jeff on Jan 1st, 2019 in News | 0 comments

Welcome to 2019.
Among other things, this year is the fiftieth anniversary of the moon landing, the fiftieth anniversary of Woodstock, and the thirtieth anniversary of Return of the Swamp Thing. Take your pick.

We’re supposed to get all self-reflective and humble this time of year, making resolutions for the coming twelve months. Resolutions we intend to keep, but rarely do when reality sets in.
If I am to make a resolution, it’s to write a lot more. Yes, I already write a lot, but I’m not counting what I do for my current day job, which involves little if any true creativity. I mean I need to use this year to push myself to start and work on another overdue big writing project. Hopefully one that won’t turn out as awful as Grouch on a Couch, anyway.

I’ve wanted to write and publish a novel (or at least a decent novella) since I was about eight years old and lost in the worlds of Roald Dahl and Judy Blume and Pippi Longstocking and so on. I wanted to do that too. I probably could have done it fifteen or twenty years ago, if I hadn’t been discouraged by bad writing workshops that tried to turn me into something I wasn’t, and then virtually kicked me in the face when I couldn’t conform. I might have even done it since then if life hadn’t gotten in the way constantly. Instead, I’ve been writing and performing comedic prose poems (and trying to make a living from journalism and editing) while others around me have found the time and motivation to write and publish novels and other kinds of proper full-length books. It doesn’t seem right that I’m still not part of that club, even as a doorman. At least, not when it’s what I wanted to do all along.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but if I have one for 2019, it’s to create something. Even a bad first draft can become a passable second draft, surely? Even if I have to spend a metric busload of money on writing classes just to motivate myself with assignments and deadlines, something has to give.

This need is why I’ve been in a transition phase over the past year – trying to switch my focus from spoken word to fiction. I’m not quitting spoken-word performance. If somebody offers me a local gig, I’ll take it. But I’m not actively pursuing it anymore – not pining for ideas for new material, nor haunting open mics. While I know I’ll never be one of the cool kids of the community (I’m never going to get the respect of a Koyczan or a McGee), I don’t feel like I have anything left to prove either.
(I’m also turned off by some of the gossip that’s been going on in the local poetry community, but that’s another story)

I am through with the U.K. touring, though.
This is something I’d already semi-secretly decided before I went on my last trip there in late October/early November. This trip had seemed like a much better idea when I’d planned it last January or February. And the three gigs I did went very well, as did a few open mics, and it was great to see a handful of friends I don’t get to see often. But although it’s the closest I get to feeling like a real literary success, it makes my credit cards very sad, and it’s stressful, and there are lots of other cities and places in the world I haven’t been to yet.

I actually seriously considered relocating to London about ten years ago, if mostly in my imagination. I was so excited by how broad and diverse the U.K. poetry and spoken-word community was, and I liked the friends I’d made there, and I’ve always loved certain aspects of British culture – the unsentimental wit, the innovative rock music, the gloomy sense of humour. For years, I’ve thought of London as a second home, even though I’ve never lived there. But being back there this November made me realize that I can live without it, too. Sometimes I even found myself wondering why I kept coming.

Of course I’ll miss it. I’ll miss the way St. Paul’s Cathedral looks like an oil painting of itself from the south bank of the Thames. I’ll miss wandering historical districts and imagining people in period garb walking those same streets centuries ago. I’ll miss Walkers crisps and large bottles of cider and buying pre-made sandwiches in the train shops on long journeys. I’ll miss seeing some of the best theatre productions in the world. I’ll miss an underground transit system that actually works most of the time – and riding in the front seat of the second storey of a double-decker bus and feeling as if I’m flying. I’ll miss the accents, and the ability to charm strangers with my own. But I know I can live without them.

*****

Well. Enough of diversions. Here’s the point.

As I said, I’m still accepting performance gigs when/if they come up. (One reason is that I still have a third of a box of This Album Is NIT FENNY! copies to get rid of.) One that I’ve accepted is the Ad Lib Talent Show on the 25th. Yes, my friend Damon Lum likes to celebrate his birthday by inviting all his buddies to get together and perform in a show. I may read a short story. Or I may stick to the old material. Or a little from column A and a little from column B. To find out, show up. Ring the bell to get in and then proceed to the third-floor studio. Details on the right sidebar.

Also, it looks like I’m going to be interviewed on TV in March. Online TV, that is. Stay tuned.

My Digital Journal output has been thin lately, but I did give a decidedly mixed review to this year’s Second City holiday revue. Click here to read the thing.

And now, here’s what Bosko has to say about Doug Ford.

We wish you a Merry Fitness and a Happy New You.

Conjiction jiction, what’s your fiction?

Posted by Jeff on Sep 1st, 2018 in News | 0 comments

Time flies when you’re not accomplishing much, huh?

It’s been nearly five months since I posted on this thing. In that time, I’ve been focusing less on spoken word; I don’t have much new material, and I’ve been frequenting few open mics. That’s not to say I haven’t been writing. On the contrary – my day job involves almost nothing but writing, and I still poison the Internet with the occasional amateurish theatre review.

So what have I been doing lately? I’ve been focusing more on fiction. Short stories. Some of them silly, and some of them slightly less so. I took a couple of classes that were very encouraging, and they got me writing fiction again. At least, for the time being. I’ve been slacking off for the last few weeks, after the second class ended and work and other responsibilities began piling up. I’m hoping to pick that up again this long weekend, although I’m not ready to try the three-day-novel contest.

Perhaps I’ll read one of my shorter stories this Tuesday. Speaking of which…

On Tuesday, I’ll be featuring at Wild Writers, along with Bänoo Zan.
This will be a fun evening of poetry, prose, spoken word, beer… and free snacks! Host Georgia Wilder always has free munchies available – usually nachos, some kind of dippable vegetable, and occasionally even sushi. You may not even need to get dinner.

So expect a twenty-five-minute set from me, and bring a poem or two to perform on the open mic. More details on the right sidebar. Join the Facebook event page here.

In the meantime… you can check out a few more of my amateurish theatre reviews at this link.
Scroll down a bit and you can see the tribute I wrote about Superman: The Movie back in April. Then come back and yell at me for my lack of wokeness in not appreciating Black Panther and Wonder Woman enough.

And now, just for kicks…
here’s the best BAFTA moment ever.

Back to school, you mangy little brats.

Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote / The droghte of March hath perced to the roote

Posted by Jeff on Apr 12th, 2018 in News | 0 comments

Hi.

I have new material. I don’t know if it’s really any good, although it got a few chuckles at a few poetry open mics, if that counts for anything, got damn it.

This Friday night, I’m back at Jammin’ on the One, also informally known as JotO, to do another short spoken-word set in front of the improv folks. You can be there too, if you want. Just show up at the Arts and Letters Club downtown, ring the bell, and then take the elevator or the fancy-shmancy stairs to the third floor. When you see the free chips and pretzels and all the silly improv people, you will know you’re in the right place.

Also, I wrote a few new theatre reviews. I invite you to read them, with all the audacity of a classic review-reading-inviter. Click here for that.

And now… do you believe in fairies?

No you don’t. But here’s the 1960 TV broadcast of Peter Pan, with Mary Martin, on glorious colour videotape. I haven’t had a chance to watch the whole thing, but I hear it’s super-politically-incorrect.

So long and thanks for all the ghoti.

The Penguins of March

Posted by Jeff on Mar 3rd, 2018 in News | 0 comments

They say March comes in like Dev Patel and goes out like Rael.
(If you didn’t get those references, you are probably too functional and socially adept for this website.)

No features this month, but you can catch me onstage in at least one poetry show: they’ve asked me to host the Art Bar yet again, and this time, the featured readers/performers are Rocco de Giacomo (again), Bruce W. Powe, and… Sheri-D Wilson.

Yes, that Sheri-D Wilson.
Not to be confused with Sherry D. Wilson, who runs a nice little waste-disposal business in Kalamazoo.

“Oh, this is too much!” you may be saying. “Come on, Jeff. It’s bad enough that they keep bringing you back to host Canada’s longest-running all-poetry series. But they’re even trusting you with Sheri-D Wilson? Sheri-D is a legend. One might even say, an icon of the Canadian spoken-word community. I’m not sure you can handle it, Jeff. I don’t think you have the maturity or the professionalism. Why don’t you let one of those nice IFOA people do it?”

Well, I will host the night on March 13, and rest assured that I plan to be mature and professional and on my best behaviour.

“But Jeff! She once wrote a poem about the c-word. The c-word, Jeff! That’s too much temptation for you. How do we know that you’re not just going to use that as a springboard for a night of abortion and hooker jokes, Jeff? Remember how you ruined Saskatoon.”

I ruined a whole city? Well, now you’re just being stupid, imaginary detractors.

So come to the Art Bar, hear three fine poets perform, and maybe even sign up to read in the open mic. You may even have a fun or two.

*****

Care about the Academy Awards? Then you’ll want to read my latest Digital Journal column:

“Oscars 2018 – Predictions, personal picks and random commentary”

Hurry! You have to read it before tomorrow night.
After that, the whole article becomes irrelevant. Forever.

And now for something completely different:

Ad libs and queens. These are a few of my favourite theens.

Posted by Jeff on Jan 14th, 2018 in News | 0 comments

Welcome to 2018. And maybe the pleasure dome.

Two gigs this month. Aren’t you excited?

This Thursday, I’m performing a feature set at the Queen Gallery Poetry and Music Night. This event was supposed to happen last month, but it got moved. It seems that mid-January is a far better bet for audience turnout than four days before Xmas.

There’s also an open mic, if you want to share your own writing. It’s a small, friendly art gallery with a relaxed, casual atmosphere. Here’s the Facebook event page. If you’re not on the Facebook, I heroically and thoughtfully posted the details on the right sidebar here. You’re welcome.

Also: the Friday of next week, my friend Damon Lum is holding yet another Ad Lib Talent Show for his birthday. Other performers besides me include… actually, I’m not sure. And I’ve been too lazy to ask. There may be music by Charlene Winger and Terry Kan. And other stuff. Just go, it’ll be a surprise.

Are you suffering from the winter, post-holiday blues?
Here’s a montage of Cartoon Ricky Gervais laughing. (A few images/words may be slightly NSFW.)

Dress warm, flyboy.

Down with pageants and that sort of thing.

Posted by Jeff on Dec 10th, 2017 in News | 0 comments

Four months! How have you survived four months without a post from me here? [listens through earpiece] What? Almost nobody even reads this website? Oh. [listens again] What? Jon Stewart wants me to stop stealing his earpiece bit? Oh.

I was travelling and doing stuff. I was making people laugh in Ireland and England, while freezing half to death in Scotland. I even offended a few people at one gig. Happy days. Maybe I’ll go back next year.

Did you think Hot Sauced Words was dead? You were wrong.
Hot Sauced Words may be over as far as monthly events, but it’s bringing back its annual Anti-Pageant Show this Tuesday, care of the Art Bar. And I’m one of many people who’ve been asked to read or perform a three-minute set – others being Allan Briesmaster, Myna Wallin, David Clink, Nicki Ward, Edward Nixon, Josh Smith and several more, with music by Walk on the Wire. Co-hosted by James Dewar and Kate Marshall Flaherty.

Only $5 for an evening of lovely poetry, spoken word and music, with proceeds going to the Daily Bread Food Bank. Here’s the Facebook event page.

If you’re not on the Facebook, you can see details on the right sidebar here.
If your computer cannot display sidebars… well, I can’t help you there. Sorry.

Also: If you have a time machine, I’m hosting the Art Bar on November 28.

Still doing journalistic stuff when I have time, too. This article I wrote for OHS Canada received some attention back in August:

“Weed at Work”

Also doing the occasional theatre review for Digital Journal now and then. Check out what I’ve reviewed recently at this link.

And I also write fun listsicles about Toronto events and attractions for the Yellow Pages website. Here are a few recent ones:

“Great Places to Buy Unique Holiday Gifts”
“Top Holiday Season Shows and Performances This Year”
“Thirteen Haunted Places You Can Visit in Toronto”
“Ten Places to Visit in Toronto This Fall” (Hey, fall’s not over yet, is it?)

That’s all I got for now, little guy. Keep it real.

Carry On, Vaughan

Posted by Jeff on Aug 8th, 2017 in News | 0 comments

How’s your summer? Has it been summing along well?

Summer is the time for outdoor festivals and whatnot. On the last weekend of this month, I’m going to be one of the many, many performers at CariVaughan 2017, all the way the hell up in Vaughan. Also known as Canada’s Wonderland Land.

It’s a Caribbean-themed charity event with performers of many different genres, intended to raise funds for the first Caribbean culture community centre in the York Region. The centre will have programs, activities and events to develop and support kids, teens and seniors.

Look, there’s a flyer and everything.

Also: If you have a time machine, I’m hosting the Art Bar on July 18.

And if you like picking berries, because berries are yummy and all, here’s an article I recently wrote for the Yellow Pages website:
“Places to Go Berry-Picking in Toronto and the GTA”

There. Now go play beach volleyball or something.