Nothing could ever be more fun than a draiser.

Posted by Jeff on Sep 5th, 2013 in News | 0 comments

UPDATE: In addition to what’s below, I’m also featuring at the Art Bar this Tuesday the 10th. Also featuring are Brandon Williamson and Ivy Reiss. Now read the rest…

Hey kids.

September is going to be a busy month.

But not as busy as October. There’s lots of stuff happening in October. But September’s busy too. I mean, busier than I’ve been on the spoken-word and storytelling front for a long time.

That was rather anticlimactic. Let’s try again.

Hey kids. Do you like fun? Have you declared yourself ideologically and morally in favour of fun times? Is this aforementioned “fun” a concept of which you approve?

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then get yourself to the Black Swan Tavern on the evening of September 15 – for the KEEP CALM and GET RID OF JEFF Fundraiser!

Because I want to go back to the U.K., to meet up with a few friends and see shows and whatnot. So this is your big chance to help kick me out of the country for eleven days. That’s a worthy cause, right?

We’ll have music by High Heels Lo Fi and Kirsten Sandwich; stand-up comedy by Marilla Wex and Magdalena; spoken word by Dave Silverberg and Mike Bryant; a raffle for great prizes; and Jeez Leweez, we’ve even got ourselves a sponsor: Ganolife coffee. What more could you want, my good man?

Why, there’ll even be a surprise ukulele player. Except that it’s not a surprise anymore, because I just told you. But I don’t even know if anybody reads the blog posts on my website anyway, so maybe it really is a surprise. Well, it’s too late to go back and bugger around with that bit, so let it stand. Damn you.

But the good times end not with the draiser of fun.
The following Friday, you can catch me at Red Rocket Coffee for Makin’ a Racket at the Rocket. I’ll be featuring alongside Kelli Deeth and Pat Connors, with an open mic too. Regardless of the venue name, there will be no TTC streetcars. So you can traverse easily within the café, without ever having to wait for half an hour.

That was a very awkward joke about the TTC and its notorious ineptitude. Waiting! Snicker.

I hear the Toronto Film Festival is in town. That sounds like a perfect excuse to read my new Toronto.com article, “Hollywood North: Toronto Locations Used in Film”. Make with the clickety-clack, Padre.

And look for my review of Lower Ossington Theatre’s production of Next to Normal, on Digital Journal this Saturday.

Now go back to school. There’s a good lad.

The August of Her Soul II: The August of Her Souler

Posted by Jeff on Aug 1st, 2013 in News | 0 comments

How are ya fixed for stories, mac?

I’m doing Storytelling at Caplansky’s again this coming Sunday. It’s the Simcoe Day edition. Also featuring Amy Zuch, Hayley Kellett, Briane Shelly Nasimok and Rick Jones. Hosted by Marilla Wex, the creator of the site what you are reading now.

More stuff coming in September and October.

In the meantime, want to read some more reviews and articles by me?

Here’s some recent stuff on Digital Journal.
Also go to Toronto.com, search “cottrill” and then narrow it down to “Article only”. That’s because I’m too damn lazy to link every separate article here. Earn your salt, boy. And I just started working at OHS Canada, so expect lots of stuff on their site too.

(I typed “dame lazy” by accident there. That sounds like something a scrivener would say in the 1930s, doesn’t it?)

Happy new month. Get a tan. Or don’t. See if I care.

I can still remember when they called it “Dominion Day”.

Posted by Jeff on Jul 1st, 2013 in News | 0 comments

Happy Canada Day, hosers.
This morning, the Canada Day Moose came galloping down my chimbley and left me Crown Royal sacks of Canadian goodies. Maple syrup, milk in plastic bags, Alice Munro books, free health care, loonies and twonies, basketball, Timbits, people named Gord, Joni Mitchell’s Blue and a healthy dose of passive-aggressive politeness. Next year, I’m asking for power.

You may have noticed some changes on my website. Uh… okay, maybe you didn’t notice at all. Maybe you just came straight to this blog entry from the home page without looking at anything else. If you did… congratulations! You found my website. Now please tell other people to come here.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch: I’ve just added three new mp3s to the Spoken Word page: “The Jim Show”, “Iamsooffended?” and the uncensored version of “A Love Letter”. Listen and enjoy. And no, I don’t want to hear any complaints about the hooker line at the end of “A Love Letter”. All you’re doing is announcing to the world that you seriously need to get out more. If “A Love Letter” offends you, then I insist that you immediately listen to “Iamsooffended?”, just to get a sense of what you sound like to me.

Are you in Ottawa? Do you know anybody in Ottawa who likes spoken word and humour?
Because I’m going back there in a few weeks. I’ll be doing my fourth feature at the long-running Dusty Owl reading series. Sharing the stage with me will be Ottawa slam poet Just Jamaal, and there will also be an open mic for poetry and music.

Each time I’ve featured in this series, it’s just moved to a new venue. This time, it’s at the Mugshots pub in the Nicholas Street Jail Hostel. That’s right, Ottawa’s famous haunted hostel. Are you scared yet? Are you scared?

Are you scared?

Boo.

Now you are. Wimp.

Just for fun, here’s OntarioGhosts.org’s page about the hostel and its alleged unearthly residents.

And one more thing before I go: It isn’t just Canada Day today. It’s also the fiftieth anniversary of the day when the Beatles recorded one of their most overrated songs, “She Loves You”, at Abbey Road Studios. And you know what that means: BUG MUSIC.

Toodles, eh.

Keepin’ it short and sweet this time.

Posted by Jeff on May 6th, 2013 in News | 0 comments

Next gig at Storytelling at Caplansky’s: June 2

New article on Toronto.com: “Toronto’s Tourist Hot Spots”

New stuff on Digital Journal: click here

That’s it for now. Go watch Mad Men.

I was Deep Throat. Actually… no, I wasn’t. April Fool!

Posted by Jeff on Apr 1st, 2013 in News | 0 comments

This Sunday, I’m back at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, also featuring Megan Fraser, Dom Paré and John Hastings, with an open mic, and with author Michael Wex hosting.

Seems like it’s the only performance series of any kind in town that wants to feature me these days. And as long as I get free smoked-meat poutine out of it, I ain’t complaining. No sir, I ai not.

Not that I’m still avoiding all local poetry events. I’ve been out to the occasional one in the last two months – just to listen, not to perform. But as I ranted about a few months ago, in a post on this site that I’m sure almost nobody has read, I’m still a bit uneasy about the Canadian slam community’s tendencies towards humourless PC groupthink, and the witch-hunt mentality that comes out of it. There are times when the slam scene seems like a truly hateful, reactionary community to me, viewing everything in black-and-white, looking for excuses to be outraged and taking everything you say so damn literally. And it’s heartbreaking to see a (former) friend or two being sucked into the indoctrination.

The best way I can think of to sum it all up is: It’s just no fun anymore.

I think my problem is that I see spoken word as an art form, and nobody else does. To most of the slammers, spoken word is either a pulpit or a cult-like form of group therapy. Thing is, if I wanted to preach, I’d become a minister, and if I wanted to lose control of my emotions and revel in everybody’s shared vulnerability, I’d join a support group. I don’t go to literary events for these things. I go out of love of writing and, to a lesser extent, of performing. But while every slam has some variation of the slogan, “The points are not the point, the poetry is the point!”, I don’t think poetry is the point at all. It reminds me of when I co-majored in creative writing at York University and all the instructors and students tried to force me to be a minimalist: just like back then, everybody’s trying to eliminate everything that I find fun and enlightening about writing.

But while I’ve put spoken word aside temporarily, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. On the contrary, I’ve continued to contribute articles to Toronto.com and Digital Journal.

Check out my recent articles for the former: “Toronto’s Best Staycation Destinations” (a guide to 2013 March Break hotel packages, now outdated), “The Best Bookstores in Toronto” (a three-part series), “The Best Spas in Toronto” and “Toronto’s Bookstore Cafes: From Comics to Cappuccinos”. In addition, a series of golf-related stories I wrote for them in 2010 have recently been updated and re-posted for some reason.
And you can read my most recent Digital Journal reviews and stories at this link. My review of the movie Mad Ship got more than two thousand hits in less than twenty-four hours, for no apparent reason. I have no clue what I did right this time (especially since it was a negative review). Maybe it got linked on some Rotten Tomatoes-type site?

That’s it for now. Time to find out if April truly is the cruelest month.

In what specific location may one find the beef, good sir or madam?

Posted by Jeff on Feb 5th, 2013 in News | 0 comments

Hey guys.

Only one person has asked me about it lately, so it’s not like I’m delivering any eagerly anticipated revelations here, but no, I’m not going to be doing another Fringe show this year after all.

Maybe next year, if I haven’t found a secure editorial day job by then.
The reason is, I simply didn’t get picked in any of the lotteries I applied for – not Toronto, Montreal, Edmonton, Winnipeg or Vancouver. The only festival I got accepted in was Saskatoon, and only because it’s first-come-first-serve. As good as I’ve heard the Saskatoon fest is, I don’t see the point of doing all that work and flying all the way out there just for one festival. I felt so swindled (both financially and emotionally) by the end of the Grouch on a Couch experience that now I don’t want to go through it all again unless things have been set up right from the start.

But there’s other stuff.

Like this video of Eric L. Jones interviewing me last May, at a brunch cafe in Harlem. In which I look even more socially uncomfortable than usual.

And I’ve been writing more stuff for Toronto.com and Digital Journal. If you’re a visitor to Toronto and like shopping, check out my picks for the city’s five best malls. My contributions to the site’s new “Neighbourhoods” feature should be online soon, too. And I’ve got new stuff on DJ, although my “Five Most Overrated Movies of 2012” op-ed piece obviously sucks, since it’s my first article on the site that hasn’t received a single “Like”. (Hint, hint.)

And finally, catch me this Sunday in another feature gig at Storytelling at Caplansky’s.
I’m thinking of performing an off-book version of my grown-up fairy tale “Beautiful Swan”, from Guilt Pasta. That means I have five days to get it off-book, though…

Toodles. Don’t forget to write.

Not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon

Posted by Jeff on Jan 3rd, 2013 in News | 0 comments

Welcome to 2013. Make way for the fiftieth anniversaries of Hud, Lester B. Pearson’s election, the Toledo newspaper strike and, of course, Tab.

Wikipedia can be a barrel of willikers sometimes.

This Sunday, I’m back at Storytelling at Caplansky’s, hosted by Marilla Wex.
Then, next Friday, I’m back at Jammin’ on the One, seeing if I can enlighten the improv folks once again with a touch of the spoken word. It’ll be the first time I’ve performed any spoken word onstage since mid-October, when I apparently pissed the world off. Well, more so than usual.

That’s really all I’ve got to say right now.

See you in the funny papers, Nimrod.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side… but it was weeeeeeeell worth it!

Posted by Jeff on Nov 28th, 2012 in News | 0 comments

Heya.

For those who care, I’m featuring in yet another Storytelling at Caplansky’s this Sunday. Come on by if you’d like to hear some amusing stories with delicious smoked meat. Hosted by either Michael or Marilla Wex. Huzzah.

Nobody’s asking me, of course, but in case you wanted to know, I’ve been taking something of a break – let’s call it a “sabbatical” – from the Toronto poetry scene for the past five weeks or so. I’ve been devoting my time to looking for a new day job, debating whether I want to do another Fringe show next year (more on that in a future entry) and writing more reviews and stuff for Digital Journal. (Oh, and playing way too much online Risk. Addictive stuff.) Journalism seems to be the only thing I’m capable of doing halfway right these days, so I invite you to check out my more recent stuff on the Digital Journal site. Here’s the link. Clicky clicky. Don’t worry, it won’t bite.

Just to clarify, it’s mainly the Toronto community that I’m avoiding right now. If a series outside of the city is still interested in giving me a gig at some point (say, Guelph, Lanark County, Ottawa, Winnipeg…), I graciously accept. But I’m just not feeling the love in T.O. right now.

I started performing spoken word regularly in about 2000 or 2001 – several years before slam became, more or less, the only game in town – and yet, despite the friends I’ve made along the way and the small successes I’ve had, I’ve always felt like an outsider to the community. Look: I get it, people. I’m not a poet. My material isn’t poetry. It’s prose, imbued with elements of storytelling and comedy, but lacking in metaphor, concrete sensory images and emotional ear candy. My writing isn’t subtle enough, or finely crafted enough, for the “literary” scene, and it’s not hip enough for the slam scene. There seems to be no real place for anything ranking between those extremes.

So why have I continued doing this? Because I’ve enjoyed it so much. And because people have been generous enough to feature me in their shows so many times, despite the fact that I don’t really fit in. And I’ve been happy to support the community in return, even while occasionally being very critical of it, by attending readings, shows and festivals. But now, because of unrelated reasons, I’m not so sure I enjoy it anymore.

At any rate, I’ve come to feel that being part of the slam community – and maybe the poetry community as a whole – is a lot like being part of the Mafia.

Seriously. Being a member of the slam community feels like being a peripheral character in Goodfellas or On the Waterfront, in the sense that you never know when somebody you’ve mistaken for a friend will suddenly turn on you, on a whim, just because you said something stupid. To survive, you’ve got to stand in line with the rest, stick to your deaf-and-dumb act and hope you don’t fall outside of the established code.

There are people in the slam community who claim to be working hard to make slam a “safe” space for everyone – free from fears of violence, harassment and intimidation. And I understand and sympathize with the positive intentions behind this. It makes perfect sense. Everybody wants to be safe, right? Nobody wants to feel threatened in any way while out sharing your passion for an art form.

But there’s a side effect of this well-meaning activism that bothers me: it’s the witch-hunt mentality that comes out of it. Sometimes it feels almost McCarthyist. It’s as if people are actively looking for an excuse to call you out on something, either out of a misguided sense of good citizenship or just to get brownie points from the cool kids. Remember The Crucible? “I saw Goody Proctor mock the Trigger Warning!” “I heard Goody Putnam make a joke I didn’t like!” “I saw Goody Nurse do something that wasn’t a shining beacon of positivity!” Bring out the stake and matches.

And the irony of this whole thing is that now, I don’t feel safe or comfortable among the slam community anymore. Or at least not welcome. Because of this witch-hunt mentality I’m seeing, which sometimes comes out in subtle ways and sometimes is blatantly obvious, I have to be so careful of everything I say and do that it’s not worth the bother. Why does everything have to be so black and white, anyway? Sometimes I wonder if the real bullies are the ones with the noblest intentions.

And now it’s gone too far. Now, thanks to a couple of idiotic misunderstandings, I am told that I’m not a “safe” person to be around, that others feel physically uncomfortable in my presence. And why? Primarily because I included a certain offensive line while I covered somebody else’s poem.

And sure, there’s always been the option to accept my apologies and just let it go. Instead, it’s seen as more constructive to turn the whole mess into a lame real-life version of Mamet’s Oleanna.

I’m not saying we should all go around deliberately offending each other. That just makes you a jerk. Nor am I denying that people have the right to be offended or upset by racy content in someone’s poem, particularly if they have undergone terrible past experiences that make their emotional reactions involuntary. But isn’t there a certain point where you have to shrug and say, “Hey man, it’s art”? Art isn’t meant to be taken literally. Art is about self-expression, about revealing your own twisted view of the world, not about tiptoeing quietly around an audience’s comfort zones. And yes, sometimes art (especially humour) is going to shock and offend if it’s honest. I’m confused when somebody who listens to Eminem or watches Family Guy can turn around and scold a writer over a disturbing line in a poem. Why do Messrs. Mathers and MacFarlane get away with making terrible jokes about violence against women? Why are the rules different for them? Because they’re famous?

I’m no stranger to the usual humourless, knee-jerk, PC overreactions. I’ve laughed them off. There are worse things than getting self-righteous morality lectures from nineteen-year-old college students about how they think “Sally Dumps Jimmy” or “A Love Letter” is misogynistic, or how I supposedly wrote Grouch on a Couch for no other reason than an immature need to shock people with naughty language. Usually, I assumed that they needed to grow the hell up. Now, I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t write or perform spoken word to make people feel “unsafe”. I think the situation is utterly absurd, but I’m not trying to make any trouble. Maybe I’ve been wrong all along, and the true moral point of view is this: if art and wit make one person feel “unsafe”, we should ban them. Let’s just end all art and wit. Let would-be artists devote their lives to nothing but Hallmark-card poems and photos of kittens with misspelled captions. What a fine and safe world that will be.

So that’s why I’m not going to poetry events in Toronto these days. I’ve removed myself from most of the Facebook communities – I don’t even want to know when the events are. And I doubt it’s making any difference. I mean, it’s not as if crowds of people are banging down my door and begging me to come out and read “How to Write Like a Lawyer” on an open mic.

But I am doing a spoken-word set in January at an improv show, if that counts for anything. At least the improv kids don’t feel “unsafe” around me. They get it: we all say stupid and offensive things once in a while. That doesn’t mean we’re all Mel Gibson.

October. And the trees are stripped bare. Of all they wear. What do I care?

Posted by Jeff on Oct 1st, 2012 in News | 0 comments

Hey bud.

C’mere.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Lookin’ fer somethin’ to do this month? Are ya?

Well, fer starters, I gots a gig dis Wednesday, see. A gig at Zemra Bar Lounge. Shhhhhhhhhhhh! Turns out I’m doin’ dis spoken-woid set at a show what they call Flowetic Wednesdays. Also featuring Whitney French. No, I dunno if the dame’s really French, but dey say her words are sweet. Sweet enough to steal. Dere’s also dis open mic for all youse punks what wanna show off your jollies to the woyld, see.

And den, flatfoot, why, don’t get sore, see, ’cause I gotta brass knuckle what’s gonna mess up you coppers like… ah, screw this.

And then I’m reading a cover of one of David Clink’s poems, at the launch of his new collection of humorous poetry, Crouching Yak, Hidden Emu. At Hot Sauced Words on the 18th, also with Mike Bryant, Cathy Petch, Sandra Kasturi and other funny lit folk.

And on the 28th, catch me at Storytelling at Caplansky’s once again. Maybe I’ll diss another quasi-famous person. Which will cause you to go, “OMG like your jus jelous!! LOL your a looser”.

That’s all for now. Happy Canadian Thanksgiving.

Happy Labour Day, Charlie Brown!

Posted by Jeff on Sep 1st, 2012 in News | 0 comments

Yes, it’s only two more sleeps until Labour Day. I’ve been getting ready. I’ve got a large, glowing Labour Tree in my living room, with Labour decorations outside the window. I’ve bought all my Labour gifts for friends and family, and I await the arrival of the Labour Demon as he comes down the chimneys of pregnant women everywhere and induces early labour on them.

Particularly if they’re sitcom characters. In which case, it’s compulsory that they’re trapped in elevators or phone booths. Or that the only person available to deliver the baby is a cab driver.

Preferably a wacky cab driver. With a Latino accent, clashing polyester clothes, and a zany catch phrase like, “Fardingbag?! I ain’t got no Fardingbag, sister! Wowsers and mergatroids, where did I put that fudge?”

Cue laugh track.

Where was I going with this?

Oh, it’s September.

Here’s what I gots goin’ on in September:

This Tuesday, the fourth, I’m going to be interviewed on the local radio show HOWL. This is my fourth or fifth time on the show, I believe (the first being more than ten years ago). Hosted by Nik Beat, the hour-long show will also feature blues musician Chuck Jackson and author Ryan Frawley, with music by Hellywood DolZ.

So tune in to CIUT on Tuesday night at 10:00 p.m. (that’s 7:00 p.m. if you’re on the west coast, or 3:00 a.m. Wednesday morning if you’re one of my U.K. friends). It’s 89.5 FM in Toronto; elsewhere, you can hear it on the station’s website.

Sunday, September 23 is the date of this year’s Word On The Street festival. Burning Effigy Press will be in the fringe section of the exhibitors, and I assume I’ll be there for at least part of the day, trying to sell my CD Clown with a Coat Hanger and my chapbook Grouch on a Couch. More information about the fest is available here.

So you could buy Grouch at WotS… but why wait until then? Get it here.

And then, the next Sunday, I’m storytelling at Caplansky’s again, as part of Storytelling at Caplansky’s. Other booked storytellers TBA.

Oh, and by the way? I need a job. An editorial job, preferably with a magazine or online publication or something like that. Please send me leads. Experience, connections and hard work are getting me nowhere.

JeffCottrill.com has been videotaped before a live studio audience.